Conjunctivitis: The reason why no one uses conjunctions any more

Conjunction junction, what's your function? There was a little too much soul and not enough funk for that show to really make it through the ages. Now it's relegated to being shown on PBS or even youtube.

A funny thing happened to me earlier this week. 1) I was attached by a roving caravan of clowns wielding bananas. Lucky for me I am a highly trained assassin skilled in the art of dismembering a man wielding a banana. If it's a woman wielding a banana I'm in trouble. It's a good thing they were all men, though I had no way of knowing either, short of dismembering or undressing them, since they were all dressed like ninjas, covered from head to tow in black cloth and salami. If I lived somewhere more humid that style of attack would be much more effective. "A man earlier today was surrounded by ninjas wearing salami. They say that it was only a matter of second before the stench over took him and claimed his life. Back to you Fred." Luckily I'm so close to the land of ice and snow that we're sometimes mistaken for really tall elves. I even have a pointy thing on my ear, which is often mistaken for a zit (though, now that I'm older, people don't point it out any more. Maybe they're more polite now that I'm older?) and my grandma tells that's where they broke me off from the paper chain when my parents decided to adopt me. My supposed real parents tell me I'm not adopted and that it's all just a viscous lie meant to hurt me. I, however, have distinct memories of when I was kid and they told me that they found me in a basketball and couldn't leave me there (apparently I was cute once), and they've been regretting it ever since. Bwahahahahahahaha!!! Little do they know this has all been a part of my plan all along to take over the world with all of its shiny things laid out to please and distract me from the ugly evilness that will be a necessity once I am made supreme ruler and have to force you earth human dirt worms into subjugation and serviness!! Feed me Seymour.

Barry White was black. Jack Black is white. Maybe they were switched at birth.

Nazi are hiding on the moon. Lizards are hiding in the center of the earth. Ice creams tastes much better when it's been purchased from the creepy old dude driving around in a run down minivan with a speaker duck taped to his roof selling the foo foo thunder bars of awesomeness out of a cooler whose ice has all melted.  If I'm ever kidnapped by aliens, maybe I'll be able to convince them to come back and get that dude off the streets. They might win the nobel prize for that. Are aliens allowed to win the nobel prize? I hope his wife never had a supposed affair with an alien, otherwise I think they might not be eligible. It's too bad W.C. Fields wasn't a mathematician. "If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then give up, there's no use being a damn fool about it." Aaaaaahhhhhh, inspiring children everywhere to give up. After being attacked by the meat laden ninja man, I continued on my way to the library (did you know they let you take books for free??! Serious.). I stumbled across a homeless man that turned out to be Bill Gates trying to figure out what it was like to be poor and homeless (Mitt the Twit could take some lessons). The problem was he kept getting hungry and tired of being dirty, so he'd make it about 15 minutes and have to go get something to eat and shower. A day in the life of Curt Cobain, "HELP!!!! HELP!!!! GET ME OUT OF HERE!!! I'M NOT DEAD YET!!!!!!!!"

I heard a man was shot while naked. It was in the South. He was also chewing on another man's face. At least he wasn't eating a pear. Who shoots someone for eating a pear??? "Uh, what does your license plate say....uh, duh." Zombies are out there. They are among us. You may not suspect them, but they're there. They're also over there and their heads are not all there. You see them driving the bus; making your morning coffee; approving your feeble attempt to buy gas; teaching your class; eating your neighbors; patrolling your streets. The worst part is, you can't tell them apart from politicians, mindlessly going about their day with one thought on their minds. EAT YOUR BRAINS!!!!! I think that's what the US government is up to, with all their state sponsored alien abductions where you magically appear in some "Secret" prison, that everyone knows about, on the other side of the planet. The only way you can travel to the other side of the planet is not by bus, train, car, bike, roller skates, boat or plane, but by super awesome and advanced alien space ship. Do you know anyone normal that's ever been to the opposite side of the planet from where you are? Exactly! Only strange people, who are suspect of either being aliens or have been abducted by aliens, or are zombies that ate all of the aliens and then took over their ship to travel to the opposite side of the planet to reek havoc, taste a different cuisine and otherwise continue being strange, have never been to the other side of the planet. I'm not sure that last sentence made any sense (it did, I just reread it), and since we're out of aspirin, I'm not going to reread, but rather summarize what was supposed to be said and was meant but might not have been said, but I'm not sure because I'm too self serving and lazy to go back and read what I just wrote because I might get a headache, which could lead to colon cancer which would lead to death, which might lead to me becoming a zombie, and let's face it, no one wants me to be a zombie. At least, I don't want me to be a zombie, not unless it comes with super powers like being able to see through superman. When I go, I want to go with my brain mostly intact, if not still attached to my body, if at all possible. Though I think I'd rather be quickly decapitated than buried alive (e.g., Curt). I wonder if you need sunlight to stay healthy, wealthy and wise?

Did you know that the reason why being out in the sun will make you age quicker is because the light coming from the sun, while it takes a measly 8 minutes/second (I forget which and don't want to convert miles to km) for the light to reach earth from the sun, it's about 100,000 years old. That's really old. That's older than the oldest person I know. Take the oldest person you know, multiply it by a billion and that's about how old the light from the sun is that's hitting your skin and causing all those years to be poured out upon you. SPF 15 doesn't mean 15 hours with the sunscreen on (and being in the sun) would be the same as one hour in the sun without it on. No, it means it's protecting you against 15,000 years of aging. People think it's hormones in the milk, beef, cheese, waffles, eggs and children that are causing us to look older and age quicker, when in reality the true culprit is the sun. Curse you sun!!! This is all a part of the plot of the plants to rise up and begin their age of ruling the planet. They stood idly by as the dinosaurs etched their mark into the geological record. When primates began their age, the plants still did nothing, assuming it was some kind of cruel joke that mother nature would tire of quickly. They wouldn't find out until much later, when a special Fox News report showed them that mother nature was taken hostage by the earliest of primates and was being held prisoner indefinitely at Guantanamo Bay-she was also claiming that she started the global warming conspiracy and that none of it's true (see, water boarding it useful). With that, they decided they'd had enough, so they called up their old friend the sun. Yes, the sun. It provides them with what they need to live and grow and breath and eat small children. They decided on a plan to make us all age super fast so we would all get old and die without having any kids. The one thing they didn't plan on was plastic surgery. That really threw a wrench in the gears of their plan (Sarah Jessica Parker is their poster child of how they've been foiled-they can only pick up HBO with their plant antennae). The plants got back together to revamp the old plan and come up with a new plan for making us age. They had the sun crank up the age thermometer, and not even Chuck Norris can save us from this one.

The moral of the story: kill all of the plants around you If you're not with us, you're against us. We'll kill all the plants in the world, showing them that we don't need them to survive. Yes, we humans can live well enough without them, and there are plenty of other things to eat, like baby whale and rhinoceros, besides plants and all their cell walliness. Yes, we humans are pretty smart and will remain on top of the world, and food chain, even if it means destroying everything else in the process. Until next time, sweet dreams.

P.S. The picture at the bottom right of this page shows me tackling an alien (legal) and preventing it from travelling back to its mothership.

That's awesome! No, that's...not even science

First, I just want to thank everyone that comes and checks out my rambling blog. I was a bit surprised to see how many people have been looking at it, though elated at the same time. Thank you.

This is the story about Mr. Chuckles and the Princess of Awesomeness. (theme song 'I'm a survivor' begins playing, thank you Donna Summers)

The boy scouts is a pretty good organization. I say pretty good because they're the ones teaching those of us that have a penchant for being dangerous, but didn't know how to really be dangerous, exactly how we can not only be dangerous but how to maximize the danger to not only ourselves but countless others as well (though most of them have a penchant for being dangerous as well). It's analogous to having a gun in a safe without the bullets in it, so that any child that wanders in really only runs the risk of poking their eye out or getting hit on the head. Then along come the boy scouts, and they not only show the kid how to load and shoot the gun, they also show him where the keys to the safe, and car are located, along with your bank account number. Sure, they'll learn some useful skills, like how to drive really fast through a crowded building, and I'm sure they'll ace their drivers license exam when they finally get out of prison and can own a car. But is that really the most efficient way to learn? With all the other people who have gone through the scouting program I respond with a resounding, YES!! Few things are more thrilling than realizing you just escaped certain death and doom at your own hands, and you no longer have eyebrows. For those who have heard about my escapades of throwing batteries and aerosol cans in the fire at scout camp, I can honestly say that was not me. I was busy hiding from the other scouts due to threats of being given a massive wedgie if they found me while they were throwing things in the fire. Oh the fun games you come up with when left to your own devices, and people think Lord of the Flies is just a demented man's way of thinking.

There is a company here in lansing that advertises for "Blind Cleaning." I imagine their moto is "For those days when you're old and retired and you miss feeling what it was like to have your children at home to do the house chores for you. Blind Cleaning Inc." I wonder if they give driving lessons as well? The small voice in the back of my head that I usually keep tied up and gagged pretty well apparently has managed to get the gag off because I can hear it saying that I'm being a little insensitive. I agree. I should tie him up with less coarse rope and make sure the gag is more secure in the future. To keep Pam from calling for the blind cleaning I am making sure to close my eyes while I clean and to break something at least once a day. We have a whole cupboard filled with fine china, so this is going to be a cinch.

The end of the world is coming and there's nothing you can do about it. Facebook stock is plummeting. It's 2012. Hostess is going out of business. Newt Gingrich has dropped out of the presidential election. There's a Fiat (not Dodge) viper coming soon. The signs are all there, if you're willing to pay attention. We're doomed, doomed, doomed, doomed, doomed. Now go! I just want to die in pieces, is that really too much to ask?

A friend and I were discussing the other day whether or not he had been abducted by aliens. He was having pain in his lower abdomen, and thought he went to see the doctor. This ended up with him having a painful experience. He said the place was really clean and shiny (the first clue something was wrong). The staff was super helpful and friendly when he first got there (alarm bells were now going off). They asked him if they could get him anything while he waited (they're now screaming). When taken into the room for his examination there was a goat sitting on a chair holding a clipboard. It asked him to get undressed and put on the robe (more alarm bells). I won't give any more details (call in the National Guard!!! the alarms are now screaming). Suffice it to say, he was anal probed and then forced to show public displays of affection with a different goat. The whole experience has him traumatized and scarred for life (not to mention scared for life). The moral of the story: There's no such thing as health care, only state sponsored alien abductions and anal probing. I guess at least with these alien abductions you don't end up in Guantanamo. Or do you....???? The truth is out there. Bigfoot's real. Aliens are among us. Blue cheese it grown in caves. The boogeyman lives under your bed. Santa Claus is real and runs a sweat (not sweets) shop at the North Pole. Lizard men are lurking on the inside of the planet, waiting and plotting to take over the world. Donald Trump is one of them. Chihuahuas are really giant rats that have been somewhat domesticated. In spanish someone from the state of Chihuahua in Mexico and the dog are really similar, and could never keep them straight. It would make some people angry (alarms bells are going off).

Wouldn't it be nice if hostess would start making jelly filled donuts again? I think that would help solve a lot of problems and help a lot of people to be less angry. Send your petitions to hostess and  let's ask them to do their part to help end world peace by making jelly donuts again for the masses. Until next time, don't die.

Run-in(s) with the law

Nobody in their right mind wants to be associated with "the man" and the oppressive omnipresence exuded by his porous frame of evil nastiness-kind of reminds me of Hollow Face in some regards, though scarier. When I drive past a policeman I try to find a penny to hold out the window as we drive by, and yell "DIRTY COPPER!!" (thank you Tyler for introducing me to that one). Completely stupid and immature, but considering my various run-ins I've had with the law, or "the man," I feel they are justified. That's not to say that I don't appreciate the job they do, I do and I think the disunited states of americana needs to raise taxes to pay them, and other public servants, closer to what they deserve for what they do. Another way to pay for it would be to get rid of the politicians ridiculous salaries, and pay them what they're worth ($1 * 10^-34) which is still being a little too generous to them. We'll see how long it takes for gas prices to fall and have them supporting such socialist (gasp!) reforms like health care for all and REALLY free education for everyone, with the stipulation that they have to do well in school.

My first run-in with "the man"came when I was just a young lad, some friends and I decided to light some matches in my parent's unfinished basement and put them on the top of the wood burning stove that was down there-if we had been thinking we would have put them in the stove and opened a window to let the smoke out. As such, I was confronted by my mom and she took me to a fire station where they gave me a nice "lesson" on why you shouldn't play with matches. I never took to it. I love fire and thinks it's one of the most amazing things, especially when you start to look at it from a chemical point of view. There's so much about it that we know absolutely nothing about. It's a very challenging process to describe at a fundamental level. What makes it even more fascinating to me is that it just comes from releasing energy in a somewhat controlled way by breaking bonds (in an uncontrolled way you get an explosion, the technical term for burning is deflagration-see my blog is informative!! Suck on that Al Gore). I've never started a large fire that has been out of control. I used to have He-man and GI Joe action figures. They all died in fires in the sandbox at the house I grew up in. It was very sad, but they all died heroically saving the lives of innocent imaginary people who imaginarily thank them each and everyday of their imaginary lives.

The next run-in with the law I had, that I can remember anyway, was when I was twenty years old and living in Mexico. No, I wasn't a mule and it happened very far from the border. I was asleep in my bed, snuggled up under three blankets and wearing a sweatshirt and two pairs of flannel pants-it was a cold 70 degree night. You know those dreams where you wake up in a cold sweat and you're terrified? It was kind of like that, except once I woke up I realized it wasn't a dream and there was literally no where to escape to. There were people smashing in the windows of our house yelling at us to come out. They don't have to identify themselves as police in Mexico apparently. I was hiding behind a wall hoping that they didn't have guns and start shooting. You had to have a key to open our doors, from the inside and outside, so smashing in the windows didn't do much but scare us. Finally someone we knew had some over and told us it was okay and to come out. I opened out front door and was looking down the barrel of a gun. I have no idea what the person holding the gun looked like, I just remember telling myself not to void my bladder. It turned out that they were looking for a pair of guys that had killed someone in a town about three-fours hours away. Personally I think they were just bored and wanted something to do. Adding insult to unnecessary injury they stole about 400 pesos from us. I love La Chota. I don't know if they ever found who they were looking for, though I do hope something nasty happened to the one that stole the 400 pesos (it's about $40 USA). They didn't pay for the windows either.

Thankfully that was the first and last run-in I had with the man in Mexico. Back in the USA I ran into plenty of officers. Amazingly, almost all of them were named Richard, at least I'm pretty sure they were. I've been pulled over somewhere between 20-30 times since I turned 21. Three of them were justified (two of those three resulting in speeding tickets). The rest of the times I was pulled over was probably because he'd just been blown off by some girl and he wanted to exercise his manhood and prove his virility at the expense of someone else. One of the better ones happened one night while I was out for a drive. While going to college in Utah (five of the most miserable years of my life) I discovered that a good way for me to blow off some steam was to go for a drive through the mountains and canyons nearby where I lived. They are some of the most beautiful areas I have ever been to in my life. While I was out driving, I realized I needed gas. I pulled into the first gas station I came across. I went inside and used the restroom first, and decided to prepay (back when $20 would fill up your tank; if you think Obama's energy policies are responsible for the high gas prices right now, you need to stop listening to the news and research the matter for yourself-yes become educated and stop regurgitating the horse shit you're being spoon fed by the man) for my tank of gas. There happened to be a piece of fuzz in the parking lot, and he seemed preoccupied playing with his gun. I finished filling up my tank and got in my car. When I got in my car and was getting ready to leave, officer Richard perked up and pulled out behind me rather quickly. I realized where this was going quickly, and when the christmas lights came shining forth, I pulled over, rolled down my window and was drumming my fingers on the side of the car waiting for him to come to my window. When he finally came up, before he could say anything I said to him, "If you pulled me over because I drove off without paying, I prepaid, and here's my receipt..." The idiot just stammered for a second and managed to finally blurt out "there's a warrant out for the arrest of the owner of this car." I just laughed at him. My dad's name was on the title of the car; he was elected official at the time, and good friends with the county sheriff. I told the officer such once I finished laughing at him. He told me he still needed to see my license and registration. I gave them to him and waited while he tried to figure out how he could justify pulling me over. He finally came back with a warning because I didn't have a license plate on the front of my car, which is a completely stupid law as not all states require it, and in-fact in Michigan, they won't even give you a second plate for your car. I can't really say what I think of that moron, other than he shouldn't have graduated from the academy.

That's not to say that all popo are dimwitted and moronic. One of my best friends is a cop. I told him he couldn't a cop since he's Jewish. His ultimate goal is to really work for the man at one of those un-namable government entities where they tell you not to tell anyone that you work for them, "for your own and the safety of your family." Plus, if we actually paid them decently it would be more competitive and the people that held those positions would be more competent and trustworthy.

While in Russia I had a very brief brush with the man, it was kind of fun, but I was also hoping I didn't end up in some dark, dank prison in the middle of nowhere. You're not supposed to take pictures of the military, police or their cars or buildings. Hold overs from the cold war era, or just extreme paranoia? I don't think there's anyway to distinguish between the two, regardless of the country you live in (good job McCarthy, you'll forever be remembered for your self-righteous idiocy). I went over with a group of people I didn't know, and still don't. Several of the girls in our group wanted their picture taken of them all together on the street, so I offered to take it. None of us really noticed that right behind where we were taking the picture was  a military compound. I'm not sure how we missed it. Right after I took their picture a very large Russian soldier came up to us, carrying his wonderfully large automatic weapon in hand. He was telling us that we needed to come with him and he needed to see the camera. I pretended like I didn't understand him and at the same time was trying to get the other people I was with to start walking very fast away from him. He didn't follow us. I think he realized that if we were spies, we would get ourselves killed all on our own. Other than that though, Russia was a pretty quiet country overall, at least where I was at and while I was there. I miss Russia and Mexico, at least in those countries they're more honest about their corruption and don't pretend that everything is ooky.

If you try to comment on this post and notice that I have to approve all comments, that's because I'm socialist and to be socialist means you censor what gets published...yeah, that's what it means.

Obama is not a brown skinned, antiwar, socialist who gives away free healthcare. That was Jesus. 

Worthless

There are certain things in life that really are worthless. The bag of rocks you traded your baseball card collection for, only to find out that they didn't have gold or diamond, or more baseball cards, in them and you could only use them to throw as projectiles at the person(s) you traded your cards to for them, only then to find out that not only can they run faster than you, they can also throw farther and harder than you. Rocks fights are fun, right up until you get hit in the forehead by a rock that sends blood cascading down your face, blinding your eyes and causing you to stumble down a flight of cement stairs into a dark and damp region that you seldom go because it's "scary" and there are real live spiders down there.

Spiders are worse than vampires. Vampires can turn into bats and fly about and hypnotize you with their eyes and make you fall in love with them, all so they can feast on your tasty blood (according to them, anyway, I've never tasted human blood, except my own, and I was too busy worrying about the blood cascading down my face to notice if it tasted good or not). Spiders on the other hand, they're small, deadly, etc. etc. etc. Did you know dandelions are more deadly than the black widow? It's true, but that's mostly because she's 90+ years old and they didn't have the technology to catch her back when she murdered her husband. Besides, who wants to drown to death in a vat of dandelions? I think I'd rather...I'm not sure what, but I'd rather not die by drowning in a vat of dandelions, and then be made into dandelion wine. That's one of my favorite books too, by the way.

Spiders have an exoskeleton that puts wolverine and his adamantium to shame. They're stronger than aunts, which have been known to lift cars off of puppies that are trapped underneath them. Don't invite them to the neighborhood book club meetings though and they lose all their magical defenses. Spiders can also spit sticky silk from their back end and use it to trap you. Then they wrap you in a coffin of sticky silk, inject you with stomach acid and let it work its way through you, while you're still alive, and then they suck out your insides. Though highly unlikely, I like to think that the last part happens while you're still alive too. Besides, how many vampires do you accidentally eat a year in your sleep? Chuck Norris might be able to do this, but not me, unless I've been eating garlic. The average person swallows eight spiders a year while you sleep. That means they're in your bed and crawling on your face and in your mouth while you sleep. Vampires are more polite than to invade your personal space like that. I woke up once with one crawling on my face. I know I was still tired because I reached up with  my hand grabbed it and threw it across the room, shuddered for a few minutes and then went back to sleep. Plus, if you get bitten by a spider you don't turn into a spider, unless your name's Peter Parker (my first and last name don't share the same first letter, so my hopes and dreams of being a  super hero are shot; being a super villian is another story though). I would much rather deal with a vampire than a spider, because at the end of the day when I have to choose between living forever and feeding off of the living or a swollen bump that is painful to the touch, the former will always win.

I know I promised a Christmas story, and I almost upheld that promise too (I have two ideas for picture stories and another for a short story, without pictures by me), but at the end of the day I am the drunk of a father that comes home, bleary eyed and confused, not knowing where my paycheck went and having to tell the children they have to go to bed hungry again because they're father is a louse. After which the wife picks up a pan and starts trying to bean him over the head, because that will help him remember to come straight home from work and not stop at the bar.

"Hey Herb, didn't you say your wife told you something really important?"
"Yea she did, but for the life of me, I can't remember what..."
"Want to go get a drink while you try and remember?"
"Sure, one drink won'r kill"

The last sentence will be the epitaph on his grave, and the wife will spend the rest of her life on the run because she couldn't cook off all the blood before the coppers showed up.

Speaking of worthless, my computer is acting weird (and it's a mac, gasp!). If Steve Jobs comes back as a zombie, do you think apple will hire him again? I mean, they've already hired him twice, so why not a third? Third times a charm.

"Sno-balls?"
"Yea, sno-balls."
"Where's the twinkies?"
"I like sno-balls"
"I hate coconut. Not the taste, the consistency."

I'd like to have a zombie as my butler. We would have to keep him muzzled most of the time, except when salemen come around. That would make getting replacement butlers a lot easier and cheaper. We would probably have to dip them in cologne every day though. Stay away from the fruit bats as well. Keeping the kids out of the cookies would be pretty easy though, "If you sneak into the cookies again we're  going lock you with Geeves XXIV in the garage without his muzzle on, and you don't want that, now do you?" As our kid soils themself and we have to have Geeves come clean it up. We could probably even get something going with the local animal shelter. SPAY AND NEUTER YOUR PETS!!!! unless you want to see them being fed to zombie butlers in the near future, and all because you were too selfish to chop off their manhood or take out their female parts. They will still love you and try to hump your face/leg when you're not paying attention.

I love my life. =D

Been a while

I have feeling it's going to be a long time. Yes Dexter, it will be a long time. Or will it be along time? Either way it makes some sense, other than nonsense and this is not in the present tense. Is your present tense? If I were a present I would be tense, all that excitement and build-up for the coming holidays!!! The sad part would be when I realized this meant I was going to be torn open by a person screaming at the top of their lungs as they dove in head first and disemboweled me and then discarded me without even stopping to say they were sorry. Then they would have moved onto the poor unlucky sap that came next. That kind of takes the fun out of it. My grandma used to (still does?) make us carefully undo the edge that had the tape on it of the wrapping paper so that she could save it and use it for next year. I have my suspicions that they really did this to collect a repository of the DNA of everyone in the family, that way they can track us down at anytime they so choose. My family is crazy like that.

You ever notice how pirates not only have a parrot on their shoulder, but they're also missing one eye? Real pirates have the parrot on the same side as the eye that's missing. If you don't believe me, just go find a real pirate that is missing an eye and has a pet parrot. If he/she has it on the opposite side, they're either from Hollywood, or they're a stupid pirate and probably has a peg leg and a pet gator they forget to feed. If I were a pirate captain I would make my entire crew wear speedos when we were attacking someone, that way they would either be mesmerized, horrified, or laughing too hard to do anything but give up. Being violent and bloody is highly overrated. Girls they like the kissing as much as we do.

This will be short, I just wanted to let those who were not traumatized or damaged permanently from last years Christmas story, I will be doing another one this year, and I'm pretty excited for it. I have the idea, and just need sometime to put it all together. I will probably do my terrible drawings and make a picture book like I usually do, but I will also probably do a longer story version of it this year, if I can pull it off.

Here's what I've been up to and why I haven't really put up anything for awhile (disclaimer: do not read while driving, taking care of children or operating heavy machinery as doing so may cause injury to oneself or others, intentional or otherwise):

 It's pretty boring to read. 

Making plans to rule the...pink pair of pants

Hot pink has to be the most awesome color ever to have existed. Awesome in the sense that it takes your breath away every time you see it-especially if that time happens to be an old man in a hot pink speedo thong at the beach. They never said awesome was good. Though, if you're that man and/or the wife of that man you probably think it's not that bad. I used to wear speedos. Then I got fatter than I used to be, now I have a hard time wearing underwear. The fact that I'm fatter than I used to be and that I have a hard time wearing underwear really have nothing in common, it just makes the latter sound better if I put it with the former. That's right, robots in disguise.

You ever have one of those super creepy dreams that make you wake up screaming and in a cold sweat? I know, they're usually called nightmares, though I reserve that term for Michael Jackson and Sarah Palin. I had one of those last night (not a nightmare, thankfully, I don't know if I could have handled that and would probably have offed myself if I had) and it was scary...at the time. Pam and I had moved into a new house, and she was in our bedroom watching TV. I came in to find her just sitting there with an odd expression on her face and staring at the little black and white TV we had in there. I asked her what was up. She looked at me and said, "The TV just told me I was going to die."

"You mean, someone on the TV?"

"No, the TV"

Just then, the TV screen shows a bunch of static and mixed in with the static is a very dark and sinister voice which says something along the lines of "We're coming to get you, there's nothing you can do to escape us. You're going to die."

This didn't really scare me much; the TV suddenly starts to show, from the perspective of the person on the TV, two hands moving down a hallway. In one hand is a very large knife. I suddenly realize that's the hallway that leads to our bedroom. That scared me, and I started to freak out, when I woke up. I think I might have actually called out in my sleep. Pam took a benadryl before going to bed last night, so I didn't wake her up. I think the reason why I had this dream was because I had to use the bathroom pretty bad, and just noticed it when I woke up. The only problem with my mind deciding this was the best way to wake me from an otherwise superb slumber was that it took another few minutes for me to convince myself it was okay to leave the safety of my chuck norris covers and venture into the bathroom. While there, I refused to look in the mirror out of fear that I might see something that wasn't really there. I'm a pansy, I know it and don't care-other than at 3:30am when I really have to use the bathroom and am too scared to get out of bed.

I'm not really sure what I dreamed about after that, but it was much more pleasant.

If I ever find a hot pink tuxedo I'm so going to buy it and wear it everywhere.

Teen Gangst

Wow, it's been awhile. Glad to see you again, how have you been? Good to hear. I'm sorry that your cat crawled into the microwave and turned into a hot pocket and your significant other ate it without giving any thought to what it might actually be. I do like cheese, though.

My wife and I have many things in common, most of all we both agree that she's amazing and the most smart, gorgeous and awesome person ever to have lived. We also have somethings not in common. One of these happens to be Twilight. No, I don't love Twilight. We keep the Twilight books (loosely called such) in an appropriate place, the bathroom. While taking care of some business the other day I read the first sentence on the back of the book, which happened to be an excerpt from the book. It went something like this: "Don't be afraid," I said though I was mortally wounded and terrified the other kids at school would make fun of me once they found out who I was sleeping with, "we're meant to be together." About this point I had to throw up. Have I ever mentioned that we have awesome plumbing in out house? It's true, the sink didn't even get plugged. I don't know much about plumbing, other than it used to make my father swear a lot. We were finishing our by ourselves basement while I was growing up, which was kind of like me "helping" my dad fix the car while I was a kid. One of these wonderful experiences that I haven't mentally blocked out to protect myself involves plumbing. We had run some pipe for either the toilet or the bathroom sink-don't get those confused in real life- and were putting up drywall over it so that no one could ever see out marvelous handy work that would never pass inspection. As I stood there with my finger in my nose and drool running down my face my dad proceeded to hammer in the nails (this was in the days before fancy things like "nail guns" and "hired labor"), and then suddenly yelled a word I had never heard before. I knew he didn't hit his finger, I recognized the word to signify that as "dammit" and he wasn't shaking his hand like he'd just burned it; I also knew he didn't put a hole in the drywall-the word to signal for that catastrophe was "shit." 

Did I ever tell you that my dad was a metal fan? Not things like iron, cobalt and praseodymium, but like Iron Maiden, Cannibal Corpses and his favorite Judas Priest; he used to mention Judas Priest all the time, though come to think of it I never did see any of their albums in his collection, just a bunch of disco and the doobie brothers (Jesus is just all right by me too).

This new word was uttered, and kind of like when you burp up a little bit of gastric juices and it leaves this burning/searing sensation down your throat, this word left my ears feeling a bit like that. I forget what the word is, but if I heard it again I think I could recognize it. The bigger issue was not this word though, it was that the word had scared the pipes so much that they began to have an accident and all over the nice new drywall. As I stood there drooling (finger was now out of my nose and almost in my mouth) my father was yelling some incoherent babble at me about finding a magic knob that would stop the water from flowing. I responding in like kind with my own incoherent and babble that sounded something like "Bbbbllakaskdjh, I askjhhjad don't lkajsldksjd know akljdsjlak where laksdlas the alskjdasdo magic wlkjoinasd unicorns woiasnasoidokl and alskdowiue this alkjsdlj fabled alksjdjlj knob alksdjlsa lay alksjda down alsdiouwnc to laskjd eat alkjasdlj cotton asoiwenf candy alksjdladj underwear alksjdasdl at alkjsdjla night alksdjlasjd!!!!" He said a few mores word that made me want to crawl into a black hole and hide ("I love you" was not one of them right then) and started yelling for my mom. 

Parents always tell you not to yell, especially if you really really really want something, but then when it comes to them the rules get thrown out the windows and they get to yell. "But it was an emergency" they say. Yeah, like me wanting a candy bar in target wasn't.

My mom, who can do all kinds of amazing things (she can walk up to random strangers and tell them not only their exact address but also what magazines they have subscriptions too) apparently knows where the unicorns eat cotton candy underpants and turned the water off; she works for the post office, and though she'll deny it, she also has access to a cold fussion bomb. "Teach you to cut mail service on Saturdays...."   BOOOMMMMM!!!!!! As millions of tiny particles go flying through space and ten billion light years from now on another planet scientists will discover us and what happened to us and the postal worker will be the new bogey man that even Chuck Norris would be scared of. I don't like the way that sentence is structured, but I can't think of another way to write it that doesn't make it longer-suggestions are not welcome. 

Once the water was off we found out that the word wasn't what made the pipe do its duty all over the wall, but rather it was having a nail driven into its bladder that released all the fluid. It's funny now.

The point is that in Twilight it's all about not just whiny teenagers falling in lust with thousand years old undead and the missing link, at the same time, oh no, it goes much deeper than that. It's about the challenges that we all have faced while trying to graduate from high school and figure out what we want to do for the rest of our lives. It's about, do I prefer un-necrophilia or bestiality? Apparently she went for the former of the two. Poor edward, and now his wife can't have kids. What ever will he do???!!!

I know! Eat some children. Long live the queen.