January 22, 2012


There are certain things in life that really are worthless. The bag of rocks you traded your baseball card collection for, only to find out that they didn't have gold or diamond, or more baseball cards, in them and you could only use them to throw as projectiles at the person(s) you traded your cards to for them, only then to find out that not only can they run faster than you, they can also throw farther and harder than you. Rocks fights are fun, right up until you get hit in the forehead by a rock that sends blood cascading down your face, blinding your eyes and causing you to stumble down a flight of cement stairs into a dark and damp region that you seldom go because it's "scary" and there are real live spiders down there.

Spiders are worse than vampires. Vampires can turn into bats and fly about and hypnotize you with their eyes and make you fall in love with them, all so they can feast on your tasty blood (according to them, anyway, I've never tasted human blood, except my own, and I was too busy worrying about the blood cascading down my face to notice if it tasted good or not). Spiders on the other hand, they're small, deadly, etc. etc. etc. Did you know dandelions are more deadly than the black widow? It's true, but that's mostly because she's 90+ years old and they didn't have the technology to catch her back when she murdered her husband. Besides, who wants to drown to death in a vat of dandelions? I think I'd rather...I'm not sure what, but I'd rather not die by drowning in a vat of dandelions, and then be made into dandelion wine. That's one of my favorite books too, by the way.

Spiders have an exoskeleton that puts wolverine and his adamantium to shame. They're stronger than aunts, which have been known to lift cars off of puppies that are trapped underneath them. Don't invite them to the neighborhood book club meetings though and they lose all their magical defenses. Spiders can also spit sticky silk from their back end and use it to trap you. Then they wrap you in a coffin of sticky silk, inject you with stomach acid and let it work its way through you, while you're still alive, and then they suck out your insides. Though highly unlikely, I like to think that the last part happens while you're still alive too. Besides, how many vampires do you accidentally eat a year in your sleep? Chuck Norris might be able to do this, but not me, unless I've been eating garlic. The average person swallows eight spiders a year while you sleep. That means they're in your bed and crawling on your face and in your mouth while you sleep. Vampires are more polite than to invade your personal space like that. I woke up once with one crawling on my face. I know I was still tired because I reached up with  my hand grabbed it and threw it across the room, shuddered for a few minutes and then went back to sleep. Plus, if you get bitten by a spider you don't turn into a spider, unless your name's Peter Parker (my first and last name don't share the same first letter, so my hopes and dreams of being a  super hero are shot; being a super villian is another story though). I would much rather deal with a vampire than a spider, because at the end of the day when I have to choose between living forever and feeding off of the living or a swollen bump that is painful to the touch, the former will always win.

I know I promised a Christmas story, and I almost upheld that promise too (I have two ideas for picture stories and another for a short story, without pictures by me), but at the end of the day I am the drunk of a father that comes home, bleary eyed and confused, not knowing where my paycheck went and having to tell the children they have to go to bed hungry again because they're father is a louse. After which the wife picks up a pan and starts trying to bean him over the head, because that will help him remember to come straight home from work and not stop at the bar.

"Hey Herb, didn't you say your wife told you something really important?"
"Yea she did, but for the life of me, I can't remember what..."
"Want to go get a drink while you try and remember?"
"Sure, one drink won'r kill"

The last sentence will be the epitaph on his grave, and the wife will spend the rest of her life on the run because she couldn't cook off all the blood before the coppers showed up.

Speaking of worthless, my computer is acting weird (and it's a mac, gasp!). If Steve Jobs comes back as a zombie, do you think apple will hire him again? I mean, they've already hired him twice, so why not a third? Third times a charm.

"Yea, sno-balls."
"Where's the twinkies?"
"I like sno-balls"
"I hate coconut. Not the taste, the consistency."

I'd like to have a zombie as my butler. We would have to keep him muzzled most of the time, except when salemen come around. That would make getting replacement butlers a lot easier and cheaper. We would probably have to dip them in cologne every day though. Stay away from the fruit bats as well. Keeping the kids out of the cookies would be pretty easy though, "If you sneak into the cookies again we're  going lock you with Geeves XXIV in the garage without his muzzle on, and you don't want that, now do you?" As our kid soils themself and we have to have Geeves come clean it up. We could probably even get something going with the local animal shelter. SPAY AND NEUTER YOUR PETS!!!! unless you want to see them being fed to zombie butlers in the near future, and all because you were too selfish to chop off their manhood or take out their female parts. They will still love you and try to hump your face/leg when you're not paying attention.

I love my life. =D