November 19, 2012

Good posture is bad for your gas mileage

Mileage, one of those strange words that makes you wonder what it was really supposed to mean before it was highjacked and crammed into the meaning it now has. Misogynist is not someone biased against women, rather it is someone who is against marriage. That would make a whole lot of people gay-misogynists. =D

I just got out of the hospital yesterday, and I wish I could tell you it was for something super cool like trying to turn my microwave into a death ray of doom and deconstruction when someone accidentally tried to warm up a cup of soup and I happened to be standing in the path of the deathy-part of my machine fixing something-or-another. That would have been cool. Or I tried to save some baby penguins from being eaten by a giant, ferocious, but cuddly looking, polar bear when I slipped on an iceberg and when tumbling head long into the freezing cold arctic waters where I had to do epic battle with a giant quid and a great white shark, in which I won both battles by the skin of my teeth, and I heroically pulled my freezing corpse from the frigid waters I cut my hand on a rock and needed stitches. That would have been awesome. Oh no, not here, not this time, and definitely not with me. I had chest pains. Not the "Oh $%#*!! I'm having a heart attack!" chest pains, but, "HOLY $%#*!!  $%#*!! IT HURTS TO BREATH!!!!" chest pains. They're not as serious as heart attack chest pains, but they make life a lot more uncomfortable (I'm going off of how pained the other people in the emergency room that were there for chest pains looked vs. my own face. Plus they were all old and were likely there because they were having a heart attack). I'm getting better now, and in the last few days I've had as many different kinds of narcotics and I can say there are some that I like more than others. Not that anyone should really like narcotics, but if someone put a gun to my head and said "Pick a  $%#*!! narcotic that you just love and can't bare to be without!!!" I know which one I would choose. I don't really get how people can take narcotics and somewhat function in a half normal way. But you're writing a blog post right now, you say, to which I respond, "Shut the  $%#*!! up, who named you Jimminy Cricket at the last conscience meeting???" The first time this chest pain thing happened to me I was at Pam's apartment (this was while we were still dating). We had to call an ambulance, and the paramedics seemed fixated on two questions:

1) What sort of illicit drugs were you doing tonight? (directed at me)
2) Have you been hitting, kicking, and/or punching him? (rhetorically directed at Pam).

Now when you go to the hospital they have to ask you if you feel safe at home, or if anyone makes it unsafe for you. Sure, Pam might beat me, but if I like it, does that really make my home unsafe for me? =P

Swamp thing, duna nuna nuna nuna nuna, swamp thing!! I'm sad that didn't become a hit.

While in the hospital one of my nurses said he wanted to be a dentist. I had visions of "I'm a dentist and I'm okay, I pull out teeth, and I eat all day. I numb up mouths, I fill cavities, I go to the lavatory..." all singing and dancing about in tights and modified scrubs. I suggested that once he's a dentist he should dress up as the evil dentist from Little Shop of Horrors for Halloween. He was a really cool nurse, especially once he gave me drugs. Later they transfered me to the cardiac part of the hospital. I apparently had a heart 'sound' (they said it was called a murmur, but it wasn't really a murmur-I feel like my mouth is full of mush when I try and say that word) that mostly doctors only get to hear a recording of, so about every doc from the cariologologoloology department came a listened to my heart. It was kind of like being felt up by every Dick and Jane that came through. The worst part is, I'm definitely the one that's going to be paying for it too. No sir, no freebies for this hooker of medical abnormalities.

Later that night my pain went from, "OUCH, THIS REAALY HURTS TO BREATH!!!" to "AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" It's really difficult to make more than one noise when you have this kind of pain-kind of like having your mother step on your catheter. They gave me 4mg of morphine. Didn't even touch the pain. Then they gave me something called dilaudid, which is a morphine derivative, but much more powerful. With morphine, when they gave me an injection, it would take about 15-30mins for me to really start to feel an effect, and it was usually fairly subtle. With this other guy though, the instant it hit my vein, my whole body felt fuzzy and warm, almost like I had wet the bed, but before it gets cold, then my ears started ringing and the world just sort of melted into the background. This stuff didn't wear off till almost 12 hours later too. A side affect not commonly advertised too, is that it can take whatever is in your stomach, and when you vomit, it will have turned into something looking like chicken soup. It might even come out your nose! There's a real trick for you, how to get bile out of your sinus cavity. I'm just glad my body's not super hyped about getting hooked on opiates/opioids etc. I don't like the way the stronger ones make me feel.

I don't like the drugs, but the drugs like me. We all live in a shallow submarine. You must not weigh more then 75lbs to board this submarine. Stinking hippies.

I hate strawberry fields, even from a purely theory stand point, that song is horrible!!! Then you find out it's about shooting smack and you say, really, you couldn't have at least made this song enjoyable to listen to? The difference between morphine and heroin is (COCH2)2. That's it! If you're a really good synthetic chemist (or street dealer) this isn't that hard of a problem. Did you know meth can help fight off the flu? Not a joke. 

November 6, 2012

Where's the revolution?

It's on the dance floor with some awesome platform shoes and bell  bottom pants. The only problem is this guy showed up:

Completely threw everything out of whack. Thanks a lot Pennywise (not the band). You still give me nightmares and make me cry myself into oblivion while huddled in the corner wishing I could get you out of my head. I hate clowns.

Speaking of stupid men, today is election day in my home country, and it's the one day I can feel like I have a voice in how our government is run. Here's a list of those I voted for: Barney Fife, Mickey Mouse, Donald Duck, Charles Manson, John Wayne Gacy, Ham Sandwich, John F. Kennedy. It was worth the hour long wait in line. If they only had something like this

that you had to pass through to get to the voting booth then things would go much quicker (the picture is the work of Joshua Hoffine and it's just amazing). Plus if you were taking too long the creepy thing under the stairs would have permission to come after you. I for sure would know who I was voting for before going to the polls. Even with all the write-ins, it didn't take that long for me to vote. The best part is now I can sit and complain about what a terrible job all the politicians are doing for the next however many years they are in office. If they didn't do a good job we should lock them in a basement with the creature under the stairs. That or force them to spend a day with Pennywise. That would be something in politics I would find worth my time to watch.

If Obama wins, I'm leaving the county; if Romney wins, I'm leaving the country. It's not political, I just want to travel. If you listen to Charles Manson long enough he's bound to say something funny.

I recently turned 32 years old. I don't feel much different, and if I did I think I would start to worry. I blame climate change for my recent gain in weight (by recent I mean the 20-40lbs I've gained over the past 2-4 years). What I'm really excited for though (besides the invention of time travel) is the next time I visit my parents I'm going to check on my twinkie. I've had this twinkie since I was a freshman/sophomore in high school. I wanted to see how long it would last before it started to mold or go rotten in some form. Last time I checked on it, four years ago, it was still looking as pristine and golden delicious as when I first stored it away (I don't even know how old it was when I put it aside for safekeeping). I've thought about doing the same thing with peeps, but I keep eating them before I get a chance to actually put them aside for future generations. It's not unhealthy to eat this kind of thing either. In fact, people that do eat that kind of stuff will most likely live longer than those who don't, unless they succumb to some form of cancer which may or may not be related to what is or isn't contained in food items such as twinkies, peeps, etc. I'm not really sure what would go under the etc. category though, twinkies and peeps are kind of in a category of their own.

 Since we're on the horror topic, Evil Dead is being remade and the new trailer looks amazing! If you ever get the chance to see Evil Dead, the Musical, do. There's nothing quite like a finale where the living dead are dancing about with the one live person left, flinging blood and guts and gore about on the audience. It's kind of like the Rocky Horror Picture Show, except without the transvestites and Tim Curry molesting everyone. It's a rocking good time for the whole family. Who says nothing good ever came from Canadia? I love maple syrup too.

As I look back on all the things I've done and could have done over the years, and thus far, I don't have too many regrets.