September 22, 2012

Big Mother and an even Bigot Father (nothing to do with my real parents)

I've come to the conclusion that Lowe's is Serbian for "big-fat-freaking-liar-whose-pants-are-perpetually-on-fire-and-will-never-be-put-out." It's amazing the way some words translate from one language to another. For example, mince meat (as in mince meat pie) in spanish is "relleno a base de fruta escarchada, frutos secos, especias, zumo de limon y grasa animal" roughly, it translates into "strange mixtures of fruit mixed with animal fat." Who doesn't like a little whipped lard to top their pie? It sounds about as unterrestrial as senselessly slaughtering large cow herds and anal probing people you abduct (nod's in the CIA's direction). I was going to look up mince meat in my German and Russian dictionaries but thought they might not play nicely and decided against it. Words have feelings too.

If you ever decide to try and resurface/fix/seal your asphalt driveway on your own you can google how to do it. As can be seen from here, it looks so easy:

A child could do this from the looks of this video. As with anything like this, backed by a corporation, a lot of the real details are missing.

1500-2000lbs of asphalt patch/repair, 75 gallons of sealer, and a month later we finally finished patching and resealing our driveway. Until we sealed it though our driveway looked like it had been patched by a one-legged pirate who had only one eye that was quickly fading and a hook for one hand (Captain Hook must always remember never to pick his nose). Luckily we were able to cover up my lovely patch work with sealer.

To put the sealer on, Pam graciously took a break from her wonderful law school homework which she was so enthralled with and couldn't put it down ever, except this one time (she's watching videos on her computer next to me right now) to help pour and spread this wonderful goo. One of us would pore and get the next area ready to be spread and poured, the other spreading the goo about the driveway in a half hazard manner that would have made Michael J Fox look good at this job. Pam decided she wanted to pour and I could spread. While only having five gallons of goo in each of the buckets of sealer, they weigh between 50 and 6.02*10^24lbs, which for someone that wrestles horses most everyday you wouldn't think would be too much of a problem. She ended up coating her foot in goo (hey, her foot's now water proof, no more fungus!! Not that she ever had foot fungus...) and I couldn't help but laugh. She had on sandals so she literally coated her foot in goo. Petroleum products are good for you, right? I mean, there's not fat, sugar, added calories or hormones and I'm pretty sure they didn't use any pesticides or fertilizers on it (It's organic too! Bad joke, but I know the chemists got it.), therefore it must be good for you! She wouldn't let me pore it on me though, I was very sad. We switched at that point, and I found out that the goo is actually really hard to pour. After several hours we finally finished. Exhausted an worn out we stripped naked in the yard and sprayed each other off with the hose (September in Michigan is REALLY cold when water from the hose is being sprayed on you). We were arrested for indescent exposure and our only defense was that we were reenacting Milton's reenactments of the Garden of Eden (Iron Butterfly forever!!) which took place in Puritan strained England in his orchard with his wife. The neighbors feigned to complain about it, but we all know they were secretly watching and waiting for the day when they would get to see him play Eve. Willem Dafoe as a woman is beyond ugly, but hilarious.

After we got out of prison (I don't care what snopes says, sagging your pants in prison is a bad idea, unless you're trying to make some extra money) I noticed that Pam still had tar all over her foot (and arm, and some on her face and hands) and jokingly I asked her if I could call her my tar baby, in humble homage to the wonderfully racist and bigoted (that looks like big toed, which is unfair to those with extra large feet) Disney movie, Song of the South, which they have locked away in their chamber of secrets. No one at Disney actually knows where this chamber exists, though it is rumored that once the true heir of Walt Disney returns he/she/it will open the chamber once again to release upon the world all of their works, including those dark pieces the current Disney franchise wishes to keep hidden and deny they ever existed. (If there's a big blank spot that follows it's because Google is being Evil, which is expressly against their working policy, just google Walt vs. Elian robot chicken and you'll find the video):

and last but not least, just because it's awesome, a new take on a beloved classic:

Mrs. Doubtfire (Recut) from Peter Javidpour on Vimeo.

The driveway is done, I'll never hire a nanny, and my feelings about W. Disney have not changed. All-in-all it's been a good week.