December 4, 2015

allegorically chicanerous

There once was a man from Nantucket
He went and he sat on a bucket
But while he sat there
off into the distance he did stair
and finally got off and said...

Tis the season and all that. Don't worry, the war against xmas is all in your head (especially since it's based on a pagan holiday). Things that seems to be all in our heads:

extracurricular machinations

the list goes on and on. Questioning the reality in which one finds themselves, particularly when what one has always believed to be true (e.g., I am on a planet or the sun rises in the east no matter how far west you go, unless you're travelling-yes, I know this is the british spelling, but I like my double ells-fast enough then it will rise in the west...) runs into a rather large obstacle that completely challenged the very notions on which you have based most everything else, can be a most disconcerting and troubling situation. For example, I had always assumed the earth was flat, why else would things fall 'down' when you drop them rather than float or glide down to the equator where, if the earth were round, things would tend to settle. But no, my life of bliss and incoherent naivety was not meant to survive much past my 35th birthday.

It was a day much like any other day other than it was that day and not any of the other days that had been before that day. I woke up way too early, got out of bed, scratched my belly and head, and meandered down a dark flight of stairs. At the bottom I tripped, stumbled, howled and cursed as I made my way through a jungle of toys and other childish things strewn about and maligned by our eight month old daughter. Happy as a clam that one, with malevolence in her dark little heart (she gets it from her mother). With scratches and bruises up and down my legs, I staggered into the bathroom and turned on the light. I stood there staring for a moment not sure what I was seeing was really my own sight. There in the mirror, staring back at me, were three tiny reindeer, cute as could be. I let out a small cry, which I stifled in my throat, fearing I'd wake our child and then all hell would break loose.

Turning around to make it was real, they were still there dancing and prancing over their kill. Unlike the kind vegetarian reindeer that live up in the north pole, these three little devils were the carnivorous type.With horns on their heads disguised as antlers, the hoof cloven feet shot sparks with each step. "Come here, little boy," said the largest of the three, though it stood no taller than a buck thirteen. As I cautiously approached them standing in my shower a mirthless grin crossed its face showing me two rows of chompers. "Wh-wh-what are you doing here?" I timidly asked.

"We've come to spread the good word," all three said at once, "that the world is not flat like previously presumed. But round like the belly of a person recently exhumed."

Frightened by their words just a bit, I had to ask them to leave so I could take a...potty-break.

When my business was done, our conversation resumed, they jumped about merrily shouting the news. At first I wouldn't believe them and couldn't for fear that everything I knew and held dear was nothing more than dust in the wind, like the slow decay of cattle long left for dead. With my stubbornness abounding and the daylight approaching they were left with no recourse but to take me out hunting. You see, the reindeer and deer don't really get along, they rather despise each other, mostly because of a christmas song. With riffles in our hands and pockets full of shells, we rallied 'round their families, with girl scout cookies to sell. The guns were for protection, at least that's what they said, but they didn't buy enough cookies, the queen of hearts would have their heads. Once we made enough money they chartered a private jet and off around the world the four of us did set.

Flying up and down, over and across, they pointed out the reasons why the earth was round. Showing me the horizon with its gentle body curving, trajectories, sophistries and other things unnerving. Finally, flying over the expansive ocean with the three of them exhausted and exasperated with my stubbornness, we came across the equator and I looked out my window. There below in all its majesty was the giant mighty trash heap of all the garbage and legacy that man had made its indelible mark on this fragile earth. From the north and south, the east and west, to this center the trash did flow. Broken bottles, neoprene, milk cartons, and banjos, the long abandoned junky needle, the torn pantyhose, the forgotten Yugos of yesteryear, and lots of styrofoam. If the world were flat they'd all just stay in one place or sink down to the bottom. But round and rounder the earth must be for they all float to the middle!

While happy as a clam could be without a central nervous system, I jumped up and down and ran about, at least as much as one can do in a small jet's cabin. When we finally landed, I went back to my home and tried to share the joyous news. But no one was around. They'd all left. No one wanted to hear the world was not flat. And so I was left alone.

So as this xmas season approaches, shared with more holidays than should be legally allowed in such a short amount of time, spread the joyful sound abroad and let all mankind know the world is round!

If you disagree with me and think it's fiat, feel free to send me a box of donuts and I will then be happy to debate the merits of your arguments against mine. Bonus points if you can find the jelly-filled powered donuts hostess used to make.