August 31, 2014


Sycophant, psychophant, picklefeet, monkeymeat, bacontreat, all made out of different things. My dishwasher keeps filling up with water. I think I need to drill a hole in the bottom so it will drain properly (plus it will be right into the crawl space, so it shouldn't be an issue...that is until the giant man-eating spiders that live down there realize they now have easy access and a convenient route-how do you pronounce this one?-up into our house where they will be able to suck our brains out while we sleep, never being any the wiser. That is until we wake up dead. That would suck and you know it would happen on a Sunday night/Monday morning too). I really should watch fewer horror movies.

I recently started reading a new book. The nice thing about books is that you can put them down very easily. Gravity is a great help in this department. You can also throw them at people. It's amusing for several reasons: 1) the book often starts to flap and flutter like a wounded bird as it flies through the air; 2) the look of abject horror on the face of the person you lobbed the verbal assault at will soon turn to fluster and confusion as the book suddenly veers to the left/right, or takes a sudden nose dive, thus missing them completely and sometimes even acquiring a new target you had no intention of bringing into the fray. This can cause extreme fits of laughter, followed by long jaunts through your local park or corn field, depending on where you live and the time of year. If it's winter and you live where it snows, it's best to dress all in white and bring a snack as you may end up having to hide for more than a few hours at a time. Also, running in the snow can be tiresome, and even more so since you'll have to be covering your tracks as you go (if you don't know how to cover your tracks in the snow, just watch a movie, it's really easy and whoever is following you will always turn into a moron once the chase is on; see, Darwin isn't always bad for your religion). I like books.

I have recently started jamming with a guy who plays guitar and drums. While it's been fun, I think I may have to eventually eat him alive (that's a joke, everyone knows it's too hard to try and eat someone alive, they wiggle way too much, it's much easier when they're not alive...say undead). I'm just in an odd mood and this is sort of a stream of conscience type post, host, most, boast, roast, coast, toast, ghost, those, rose, hose, toes, goes, nose, glows, shows, bows, rows, roes. My finger tips are really sore due to my not being used to playing so much. There are worse things in life than sore finger tips. Getting stabbed in the eye by a masked man with a pitch fork is one of them. If you disagree, let me know in the comments, and make other suggestions of your own.

Would you wind the wind? And that's technically a correct sentence, though not a real possibility in most cases, though I'm sure someone could come up with something to make it a reality. Then squawked the raven "never...BAFSKH!!@!' and I threw a shoe at it to get it to finally be quiet. I'm a bit of a narcissist, and while I recognize that I am and try to not be one so much, it's not easy, especially when you're as awesome as I am...that last part was a joke (I hate having to explain a joke, it's like telling someone you've cooked their parents and that's what you just fed them-cf., e.g., South Park for further explanation). Man this is weird train of thought, even for me. I really have been watching/reading too many horror stories lately.

I hear the rapture is on everyone's mind lately. Whenever I hear that word I always think of Jurassic Park and how the raptors would gang up on someone to eat them (they would do it while the person was alive, but they also had razor sharp teeth and claws, neither of which I posses, plus I don't have a herd I can hunt with, and I'm not big into hunting or eating red meat, for that matter).

"Hooray, it's the rapture!"

"Why are those people running towards us screaming in terror?"

"They must not be getting saved..."

"Did they just say they're being hunted by packs of raptors?"

"Don't be silly, all the dinosaurs have long been used up in our awesome gas-guzzling hummers"

"Why are the trees moving on their own?"


Yes, it's the little things in life that make me happy. What makes you happy?

April 5, 2014

Spacially impaired

What if pears came in pairs of pairs like shoes come in pairs, would that mean they're empeared?

Speaking of oddly bland looking fruit with a surprisingly catching bland looking taste, I think my neighbors are from the fourth dementian. Pleas doughnut try two correct my english, eye now what eye yam dewing, can the shame bee shed four yew? Eye think knot! Back to the neighbors. If I can prove they're from a higher dimension I might be able to have someone else win a prize for it too. Not some rinky-dink Chuck E Cheeze prize either, not that I still don't love skeet ball and all those wonderful tickets that come spewing out like a child that's had too much chocolate milk every time you get a ball into one of the rings that's not the very bottom (only half a ticket comes out then, which is more like a dog throwing up, who eats most of their vomit after they throw up, and much like the dog, no one wants to see it because it will only make us sad and want to cry). Oh no, we're talking the grand-daddy of all prizes, except in math (curse those naturally charming and oh so seductive mathematicians with their silver tongues and good looks like a vampire! There's more than one reason I don't study math), the noble prize. I hear it comes with a cash reward, though they have yet to give it to someone not noble enough to give it back. That's probably the real reason Sartre refused it, he wanted to keep the cash prize. I would too if I were him, which if I were him, I would have died just under six months before I was born...wait...maybe I am him...doom doom doom. One can hope anyway.

Why do I think my neighbors are from a higher dimension? That's a good question and to explain it to you, Jill and Jonny, here's captain Cyborg!

Hello kids, today I'm going to teach you about why you're all doomed and that you should just give up now and submit to our will so you don't have to go through all the pointless things, like a war which will just annihilate you and won't really do much damage to us because even if we get blown up, our consciousness is stored in many different locations around the universe and so even if you manage to blow up some nearby servers, we'll lose maybe an hour, at most, of our lives and then go right back to killing you....

Er, sorry kids, must have been the wrong captain Cyborg. I'll just explain it to you.

Each night when they come home they knock and bang around into pretty much everything, including but not limited to the floor, walls, small children, air (I didn't know you could run into it before), the kitchen sink, your mother, noodles, chop sticks, forks, waffle houses, and other assorted goodies. My only explanation is that they must be spatially challenged, having come from a higher dementian and are having a hard time navigating life here in our lowly three dementias. Dementia is no laughing matter either, unless you're a politician, then you're just laughing it up as you cut meager budgets that have no real impact on the amount of money spent each year by our government and to programs that actually help more than just a few people while at the same time giving away billions of dollars to corporations and entities that wrecked our economy and continue to do nothing but leach off the system. My wife accused me of working for the CIA. Before getting your black head bag and scary van ready let me reassure you, I don't and the only useful information you'd get out of me will be an endless stream of really dumb jokes (some might argue these are not useful information, and to them I say, your mom thinks they're funny). Please don't kidnap me, I kind of like my life being mostly stress free and being kidnapped would really put a damper on things. Seriously though, can you imagine if you were suddenly thrust down into a two demential world? Suddenly something like a sock laying in the middle of the floor would become a formidable object that could kill you. Gone would be the says of stripping down as soon as you arrived home, as each piece of careless clothing thrown off in a haphazardly manner becomes a sudden death trap laying in wait for the unsuspecting fool that isn't paying attention. In my mind, that explains their behavior best. That or they're just inconsiderate ****s. I like to think it's the former.

I just watched Mr. Nobody and if you haven't seen it, it's a pretty awesome love story. Yes, it's a love story. Yes, I thought it was awesome. Even though there's a small part in there where they tip their had to one of the seven plagues (no, not Walmart or McDonalds, rather string theory-which isn't really a theory, or at least not a well founded one) it's still worth seeing. Dom Hemmingway on the other hand, while fun, is not family friendly and you really shouldn't take a date to go see it with either. Probably the only other movie that's a worse date movie would be A Serbian Film, which if you haven't heard of it before, there's a reason for that and don't google it at work or with children near either. I would not recommend even trying to find a trailer for it. Look at the trailer for Dom Hemmingway if you want to watch something funny with some grit. If you didn't click on the link above, stop being chicken and do it!!! It has nothing to do with anything I've talked about here. Just watch out for the whale and the flower pot.

February 5, 2014

An interesting quote from an unexpected source

"Fascism should rightly be called Corporatism, as it is the merger of corporate and government power." -- Benito Mussolini From the horses mouth right to your front door. Welcome to 'democracy,' American style. =D I'll have mine over-easy, if you please.