March 26, 2012

Run-in(s) with the law

Nobody in their right mind wants to be associated with "the man" and the oppressive omnipresence exuded by his porous frame of evil nastiness-kind of reminds me of Hollow Face in some regards, though scarier. When I drive past a policeman I try to find a penny to hold out the window as we drive by, and yell "DIRTY COPPER!!" (thank you Tyler for introducing me to that one). Completely stupid and immature, but considering my various run-ins I've had with the law, or "the man," I feel they are justified. That's not to say that I don't appreciate the job they do, I do and I think the disunited states of americana needs to raise taxes to pay them, and other public servants, closer to what they deserve for what they do. Another way to pay for it would be to get rid of the politicians ridiculous salaries, and pay them what they're worth ($1 * 10^-34) which is still being a little too generous to them. We'll see how long it takes for gas prices to fall and have them supporting such socialist (gasp!) reforms like health care for all and REALLY free education for everyone, with the stipulation that they have to do well in school.

My first run-in with "the man"came when I was just a young lad, some friends and I decided to light some matches in my parent's unfinished basement and put them on the top of the wood burning stove that was down there-if we had been thinking we would have put them in the stove and opened a window to let the smoke out. As such, I was confronted by my mom and she took me to a fire station where they gave me a nice "lesson" on why you shouldn't play with matches. I never took to it. I love fire and thinks it's one of the most amazing things, especially when you start to look at it from a chemical point of view. There's so much about it that we know absolutely nothing about. It's a very challenging process to describe at a fundamental level. What makes it even more fascinating to me is that it just comes from releasing energy in a somewhat controlled way by breaking bonds (in an uncontrolled way you get an explosion, the technical term for burning is deflagration-see my blog is informative!! Suck on that Al Gore). I've never started a large fire that has been out of control. I used to have He-man and GI Joe action figures. They all died in fires in the sandbox at the house I grew up in. It was very sad, but they all died heroically saving the lives of innocent imaginary people who imaginarily thank them each and everyday of their imaginary lives.

The next run-in with the law I had, that I can remember anyway, was when I was twenty years old and living in Mexico. No, I wasn't a mule and it happened very far from the border. I was asleep in my bed, snuggled up under three blankets and wearing a sweatshirt and two pairs of flannel pants-it was a cold 70 degree night. You know those dreams where you wake up in a cold sweat and you're terrified? It was kind of like that, except once I woke up I realized it wasn't a dream and there was literally no where to escape to. There were people smashing in the windows of our house yelling at us to come out. They don't have to identify themselves as police in Mexico apparently. I was hiding behind a wall hoping that they didn't have guns and start shooting. You had to have a key to open our doors, from the inside and outside, so smashing in the windows didn't do much but scare us. Finally someone we knew had some over and told us it was okay and to come out. I opened out front door and was looking down the barrel of a gun. I have no idea what the person holding the gun looked like, I just remember telling myself not to void my bladder. It turned out that they were looking for a pair of guys that had killed someone in a town about three-fours hours away. Personally I think they were just bored and wanted something to do. Adding insult to unnecessary injury they stole about 400 pesos from us. I love La Chota. I don't know if they ever found who they were looking for, though I do hope something nasty happened to the one that stole the 400 pesos (it's about $40 USA). They didn't pay for the windows either.

Thankfully that was the first and last run-in I had with the man in Mexico. Back in the USA I ran into plenty of officers. Amazingly, almost all of them were named Richard, at least I'm pretty sure they were. I've been pulled over somewhere between 20-30 times since I turned 21. Three of them were justified (two of those three resulting in speeding tickets). The rest of the times I was pulled over was probably because he'd just been blown off by some girl and he wanted to exercise his manhood and prove his virility at the expense of someone else. One of the better ones happened one night while I was out for a drive. While going to college in Utah (five of the most miserable years of my life) I discovered that a good way for me to blow off some steam was to go for a drive through the mountains and canyons nearby where I lived. They are some of the most beautiful areas I have ever been to in my life. While I was out driving, I realized I needed gas. I pulled into the first gas station I came across. I went inside and used the restroom first, and decided to prepay (back when $20 would fill up your tank; if you think Obama's energy policies are responsible for the high gas prices right now, you need to stop listening to the news and research the matter for yourself-yes become educated and stop regurgitating the horse shit you're being spoon fed by the man) for my tank of gas. There happened to be a piece of fuzz in the parking lot, and he seemed preoccupied playing with his gun. I finished filling up my tank and got in my car. When I got in my car and was getting ready to leave, officer Richard perked up and pulled out behind me rather quickly. I realized where this was going quickly, and when the christmas lights came shining forth, I pulled over, rolled down my window and was drumming my fingers on the side of the car waiting for him to come to my window. When he finally came up, before he could say anything I said to him, "If you pulled me over because I drove off without paying, I prepaid, and here's my receipt..." The idiot just stammered for a second and managed to finally blurt out "there's a warrant out for the arrest of the owner of this car." I just laughed at him. My dad's name was on the title of the car; he was elected official at the time, and good friends with the county sheriff. I told the officer such once I finished laughing at him. He told me he still needed to see my license and registration. I gave them to him and waited while he tried to figure out how he could justify pulling me over. He finally came back with a warning because I didn't have a license plate on the front of my car, which is a completely stupid law as not all states require it, and in-fact in Michigan, they won't even give you a second plate for your car. I can't really say what I think of that moron, other than he shouldn't have graduated from the academy.

That's not to say that all popo are dimwitted and moronic. One of my best friends is a cop. I told him he couldn't a cop since he's Jewish. His ultimate goal is to really work for the man at one of those un-namable government entities where they tell you not to tell anyone that you work for them, "for your own and the safety of your family." Plus, if we actually paid them decently it would be more competitive and the people that held those positions would be more competent and trustworthy.

While in Russia I had a very brief brush with the man, it was kind of fun, but I was also hoping I didn't end up in some dark, dank prison in the middle of nowhere. You're not supposed to take pictures of the military, police or their cars or buildings. Hold overs from the cold war era, or just extreme paranoia? I don't think there's anyway to distinguish between the two, regardless of the country you live in (good job McCarthy, you'll forever be remembered for your self-righteous idiocy). I went over with a group of people I didn't know, and still don't. Several of the girls in our group wanted their picture taken of them all together on the street, so I offered to take it. None of us really noticed that right behind where we were taking the picture was  a military compound. I'm not sure how we missed it. Right after I took their picture a very large Russian soldier came up to us, carrying his wonderfully large automatic weapon in hand. He was telling us that we needed to come with him and he needed to see the camera. I pretended like I didn't understand him and at the same time was trying to get the other people I was with to start walking very fast away from him. He didn't follow us. I think he realized that if we were spies, we would get ourselves killed all on our own. Other than that though, Russia was a pretty quiet country overall, at least where I was at and while I was there. I miss Russia and Mexico, at least in those countries they're more honest about their corruption and don't pretend that everything is ooky.

If you try to comment on this post and notice that I have to approve all comments, that's because I'm socialist and to be socialist means you censor what gets published...yeah, that's what it means.

Obama is not a brown skinned, antiwar, socialist who gives away free healthcare. That was Jesus.