May 29, 2012

Writer's Block

I just saw the phrase "writers block" and I burst out laughing. I'll eventually explain if you didn't get it yet.

Driving down the road the other day I saw a sign that said "Blind cleaning...." again, I burst out laughing and thought of starting a business "Blind Cleaning: for those days you miss having teenagers to clean your house for you." I'm thinking the KKK might take exception to this and come a burnin' sacred crosses on my front lawn. That would be bad for business. Not to mention the city would probably fine me for not having the proper burn permits. We have a fire pit in our backyard (update: we no longer have a fire pit; the weeds had overtaken it and the only way to save it was to destroy it. We now have a bald spot on our lawn). I always imagine that when I'm ruler of the universe I will make people come and take their turn (pun intended) on a giant spit I have over the tiny fire pit in our backyard. When you're ruler of the universe you can make people do things even if you don't really have the proper equipment. That's the benefit of being ruler of the universe, that and you get to say "I have the power!" and mean it, anytime you want. If you've had to work with an editor, especially at a newspaper, you'd want to do this too. Pretty soon businesses will figure out how to outsource baby making. Who wants to live in a libertarian society now? Since we live in a 'democracy' it won't matter anyway, you'll still end up alone, but rich. I guess the up side to being single and rich is that when you have stupid ideas there's no one to stop you from doing them.

"You know, self, we should go out and have our teeth capped in gold."
"I dunno, that doesn't sound like a good idea."
"Why not?! We've got enough money to do it, plus if anything goes wrong, I can just but new teeth."
"Oh yeah, I forgot how much money we have. After we do this, let's go buy Facebook stock!!"

You ever get the urge to get up out of that thing and dance till you feel better? There really aren't good musicians any more, are there? I mean, I understand that Lady Gaga is just like totally expressing herself and being like totally liberal pushing for women's rights and stuff like that; it just feels like there's a man behind the scenes pushing all the buttons and pulling all the levers. Call me a cynic. Come on Aerosmith, relapse already!!!

I can tale you one thing, writers block has nothing to do with a cool hip place that writers like to hang out when they're not writing, or tired of slamming their fingers in the door for not having any good ideas to write about:

"Hey, Bill"
"Hey, Axel"
"WHOA! What Happened To Your Fingers??!" (you have to yell the first letter of each word)
"Oh that, it's nothing, I, uhm, I, uh, fell down the stairs and just as I did a breeze came through the house and slammed the door shut on them."
"I guess that's one of the dangers you have to live with in those old houses."
"That and the old lady we can't seem to get out of the upstairs closet."
"I think I'd be too scared with her around."
"It's not to bad, she makes us breakfast and sometimes dinner. The only bad thing is she keeps using all the hot water and then laughs manically at me as I shower in freezing cold water because I have to be at work."
"WHOA!! You have a job???!!!"
"Yeah, I know, I'm a total sellout."
"Pssshhhh. Poser."

That or you have a debate with yourself about whether you should right about the Unitary group or the Orthogonal group (no, they're not political, and they're not really a religious group either, though their followers are somewhat fanatical-if you get this joke, you have my most heartfelt and sincere apology). What's your white whale? I never have understood why that one's a classic. There's a Spanish author, I forget his name write now, but he's pretty awesome. He writes what I think are classics. There's one story where there's a family with a handicapped child; they live on a farm and milk the cow, get eggs from the chickens, etc. etc. etc.. One day the parents need to run into town so they leave him and his sister at home. When they come home he's out in the front yard looking pleased as can be. They go inside to find that his sister is hanging from the same place they hang chickens to drain the blood before eating them. A true family classic. I would like to see Disney take a crack at that one, see if they can't lovey dovey that story up. They seem to have done a pretty good job with the other fairy tails they've turned into money cows. Speaking of cows, they are not easy to tip over.

Yesterday I was accused of being a lawyer for Disney. The funny part was Pam was sitting next to me (she's in law school). I was then made cabin boy of some ship I don't recall the name of but probably could come up with it if my life depended on it, which it clearly does not at this point (put down the taser-the spell checker doesn't think taser is a word, ha! Tase the programmer and then tell him nothing really happened because there's no such thing as a taser). To overcome writers block I find a good sturdy rope and an experienced climbing companion, plus a good pair of shoes are the best. A good pair of shoes is highly underrated. I hate shoes. The problem is it gets cold, and I keep moving further north, and I am very much a cold blooded human being (keep the jokes to yourself). It was about 90 degrees last night (with Humidity, in case anyone from Arizona is reading) and I kind of liked it. It made it hard to sleep and anytime either Pam or eye bumped into each other we immediately recoiled as if we'd just touched a burning hot stove, which is what we felt like to each other. I keep telling my baby she's super hot, which she is. Branding your loved one, though, is no way to keep them from running away. Locking them in a cage first and then branding them, on the other hand, is much more effective. Thank you Stockholm for giving us your syndrome. I have a giant PJJ on my left hip, letting airport security everywhere know that if they mess with me they'll have the wrath of the PJJ ranch to mess with, yo! Ain't nobody messin' with my cattle gonna get away with it!!! (angry look with arms crossed, baggy pants and a baseball cap on sideways-yes, I'm not wearing a shirt or socks, oh the humanity) Shoes are bad. Sandals (or thongs as we used to call them) are good.

I swallowed a gold fish once. He swam in my stomach for the next year, had babies and was living very happily inside me when my wife found out and punched me in the stomach repeatedly until they stopped screaming. Did you know dead fish float? I didn't either. We have a bird. He's noisy. He thinks he sings pretty like all the birds out side, which sing like "La la lalalalala la la la la...(very pretty melody)," his comes out about like "SQUAWK!!!! SQUAWK!! SQUA SQUA SQUA SQUAWK!!!!" Sometimes I think that's probably how I sound when I sing, but I think I sound pretty so I'll keep doing it, with the windows down, driving past small children that run in terror as I pass them by. Yes, I'm more scary than the clown driving the ice cream truck very very slowly through your neighborhood, smiling with a wide grin showing all his teeth and waving as he keeps passing your house ever few minutes.

Writers block, plagiarism is the only real cure anyone has ever been able to tell me about that truly works. You think you can be blog-banned for plagiarizing? That would be pretty cool if you could. If you find anything in my blog that is plagiarized, please keep it to yourself. I try to give credit for ideas that I steal, but no one's prefect, and this is just for fun (I think...). I never did explain the joke about writer's block that I was laughing at the beginning (I'm still chuckling). The best part is, credit cards have a cut off point. If you still don't get it, I'm not explaining the punch line (though I all but did with that last comment, almost killing what I was laughing at). Jokes are never funny when you have to explain the punch line. Why is it called the punch line anyway? Do people get in line and let you punch them when you get to that part so they'll at least think somethings funny while a fist slams its way into their inner organs? I wouldn't be laughing. I do like zombies though.

Until next time, don't die and don't kill anyone. Also, don't eat anyone, especially if they're still alive.

May 27, 2012

Conjunctivitis: The reason why no one uses conjunctions any more

Conjunction junction, what's your function? There was a little too much soul and not enough funk for that show to really make it through the ages. Now it's relegated to being shown on PBS or even youtube.

A funny thing happened to me earlier this week. 1) I was attached by a roving caravan of clowns wielding bananas. Lucky for me I am a highly trained assassin skilled in the art of dismembering a man wielding a banana. If it's a woman wielding a banana I'm in trouble. It's a good thing they were all men, though I had no way of knowing either, short of dismembering or undressing them, since they were all dressed like ninjas, covered from head to tow in black cloth and salami. If I lived somewhere more humid that style of attack would be much more effective. "A man earlier today was surrounded by ninjas wearing salami. They say that it was only a matter of second before the stench over took him and claimed his life. Back to you Fred." Luckily I'm so close to the land of ice and snow that we're sometimes mistaken for really tall elves. I even have a pointy thing on my ear, which is often mistaken for a zit (though, now that I'm older, people don't point it out any more. Maybe they're more polite now that I'm older?) and my grandma tells that's where they broke me off from the paper chain when my parents decided to adopt me. My supposed real parents tell me I'm not adopted and that it's all just a viscous lie meant to hurt me. I, however, have distinct memories of when I was kid and they told me that they found me in a basketball and couldn't leave me there (apparently I was cute once), and they've been regretting it ever since. Bwahahahahahahaha!!! Little do they know this has all been a part of my plan all along to take over the world with all of its shiny things laid out to please and distract me from the ugly evilness that will be a necessity once I am made supreme ruler and have to force you earth human dirt worms into subjugation and serviness!! Feed me Seymour.

Barry White was black. Jack Black is white. Maybe they were switched at birth.

Nazi are hiding on the moon. Lizards are hiding in the center of the earth. Ice creams tastes much better when it's been purchased from the creepy old dude driving around in a run down minivan with a speaker duck taped to his roof selling the foo foo thunder bars of awesomeness out of a cooler whose ice has all melted.  If I'm ever kidnapped by aliens, maybe I'll be able to convince them to come back and get that dude off the streets. They might win the nobel prize for that. Are aliens allowed to win the nobel prize? I hope his wife never had a supposed affair with an alien, otherwise I think they might not be eligible. It's too bad W.C. Fields wasn't a mathematician. "If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then give up, there's no use being a damn fool about it." Aaaaaahhhhhh, inspiring children everywhere to give up. After being attacked by the meat laden ninja man, I continued on my way to the library (did you know they let you take books for free??! Serious.). I stumbled across a homeless man that turned out to be Bill Gates trying to figure out what it was like to be poor and homeless (Mitt the Twit could take some lessons). The problem was he kept getting hungry and tired of being dirty, so he'd make it about 15 minutes and have to go get something to eat and shower. A day in the life of Curt Cobain, "HELP!!!! HELP!!!! GET ME OUT OF HERE!!! I'M NOT DEAD YET!!!!!!!!"

I heard a man was shot while naked. It was in the South. He was also chewing on another man's face. At least he wasn't eating a pear. Who shoots someone for eating a pear??? "Uh, what does your license plate say....uh, duh." Zombies are out there. They are among us. You may not suspect them, but they're there. They're also over there and their heads are not all there. You see them driving the bus; making your morning coffee; approving your feeble attempt to buy gas; teaching your class; eating your neighbors; patrolling your streets. The worst part is, you can't tell them apart from politicians, mindlessly going about their day with one thought on their minds. EAT YOUR BRAINS!!!!! I think that's what the US government is up to, with all their state sponsored alien abductions where you magically appear in some "Secret" prison, that everyone knows about, on the other side of the planet. The only way you can travel to the other side of the planet is not by bus, train, car, bike, roller skates, boat or plane, but by super awesome and advanced alien space ship. Do you know anyone normal that's ever been to the opposite side of the planet from where you are? Exactly! Only strange people, who are suspect of either being aliens or have been abducted by aliens, or are zombies that ate all of the aliens and then took over their ship to travel to the opposite side of the planet to reek havoc, taste a different cuisine and otherwise continue being strange, have never been to the other side of the planet. I'm not sure that last sentence made any sense (it did, I just reread it), and since we're out of aspirin, I'm not going to reread, but rather summarize what was supposed to be said and was meant but might not have been said, but I'm not sure because I'm too self serving and lazy to go back and read what I just wrote because I might get a headache, which could lead to colon cancer which would lead to death, which might lead to me becoming a zombie, and let's face it, no one wants me to be a zombie. At least, I don't want me to be a zombie, not unless it comes with super powers like being able to see through superman. When I go, I want to go with my brain mostly intact, if not still attached to my body, if at all possible. Though I think I'd rather be quickly decapitated than buried alive (e.g., Curt). I wonder if you need sunlight to stay healthy, wealthy and wise?

Did you know that the reason why being out in the sun will make you age quicker is because the light coming from the sun, while it takes a measly 8 minutes/second (I forget which and don't want to convert miles to km) for the light to reach earth from the sun, it's about 100,000 years old. That's really old. That's older than the oldest person I know. Take the oldest person you know, multiply it by a billion and that's about how old the light from the sun is that's hitting your skin and causing all those years to be poured out upon you. SPF 15 doesn't mean 15 hours with the sunscreen on (and being in the sun) would be the same as one hour in the sun without it on. No, it means it's protecting you against 15,000 years of aging. People think it's hormones in the milk, beef, cheese, waffles, eggs and children that are causing us to look older and age quicker, when in reality the true culprit is the sun. Curse you sun!!! This is all a part of the plot of the plants to rise up and begin their age of ruling the planet. They stood idly by as the dinosaurs etched their mark into the geological record. When primates began their age, the plants still did nothing, assuming it was some kind of cruel joke that mother nature would tire of quickly. They wouldn't find out until much later, when a special Fox News report showed them that mother nature was taken hostage by the earliest of primates and was being held prisoner indefinitely at Guantanamo Bay-she was also claiming that she started the global warming conspiracy and that none of it's true (see, water boarding it useful). With that, they decided they'd had enough, so they called up their old friend the sun. Yes, the sun. It provides them with what they need to live and grow and breath and eat small children. They decided on a plan to make us all age super fast so we would all get old and die without having any kids. The one thing they didn't plan on was plastic surgery. That really threw a wrench in the gears of their plan (Sarah Jessica Parker is their poster child of how they've been foiled-they can only pick up HBO with their plant antennae). The plants got back together to revamp the old plan and come up with a new plan for making us age. They had the sun crank up the age thermometer, and not even Chuck Norris can save us from this one.

The moral of the story: kill all of the plants around you If you're not with us, you're against us. We'll kill all the plants in the world, showing them that we don't need them to survive. Yes, we humans can live well enough without them, and there are plenty of other things to eat, like baby whale and rhinoceros, besides plants and all their cell walliness. Yes, we humans are pretty smart and will remain on top of the world, and food chain, even if it means destroying everything else in the process. Until next time, sweet dreams.

P.S. The picture at the bottom right of this page shows me tackling an alien (legal) and preventing it from travelling back to its mothership.

May 23, 2012

That's awesome! No, that's...not even science

First, I just want to thank everyone that comes and checks out my rambling blog. I was a bit surprised to see how many people have been looking at it, though elated at the same time. Thank you.

This is the story about Mr. Chuckles and the Princess of Awesomeness. (theme song 'I'm a survivor' begins playing, thank you Donna Summers)

The boy scouts is a pretty good organization. I say pretty good because they're the ones teaching those of us that have a penchant for being dangerous, but didn't know how to really be dangerous, exactly how we can not only be dangerous but how to maximize the danger to not only ourselves but countless others as well (though most of them have a penchant for being dangerous as well). It's analogous to having a gun in a safe without the bullets in it, so that any child that wanders in really only runs the risk of poking their eye out or getting hit on the head. Then along come the boy scouts, and they not only show the kid how to load and shoot the gun, they also show him where the keys to the safe, and car are located, along with your bank account number. Sure, they'll learn some useful skills, like how to drive really fast through a crowded building, and I'm sure they'll ace their drivers license exam when they finally get out of prison and can own a car. But is that really the most efficient way to learn? With all the other people who have gone through the scouting program I respond with a resounding, YES!! Few things are more thrilling than realizing you just escaped certain death and doom at your own hands, and you no longer have eyebrows. For those who have heard about my escapades of throwing batteries and aerosol cans in the fire at scout camp, I can honestly say that was not me. I was busy hiding from the other scouts due to threats of being given a massive wedgie if they found me while they were throwing things in the fire. Oh the fun games you come up with when left to your own devices, and people think Lord of the Flies is just a demented man's way of thinking.

There is a company here in lansing that advertises for "Blind Cleaning." I imagine their moto is "For those days when you're old and retired and you miss feeling what it was like to have your children at home to do the house chores for you. Blind Cleaning Inc." I wonder if they give driving lessons as well? The small voice in the back of my head that I usually keep tied up and gagged pretty well apparently has managed to get the gag off because I can hear it saying that I'm being a little insensitive. I agree. I should tie him up with less coarse rope and make sure the gag is more secure in the future. To keep Pam from calling for the blind cleaning I am making sure to close my eyes while I clean and to break something at least once a day. We have a whole cupboard filled with fine china, so this is going to be a cinch.

The end of the world is coming and there's nothing you can do about it. Facebook stock is plummeting. It's 2012. Hostess is going out of business. Newt Gingrich has dropped out of the presidential election. There's a Fiat (not Dodge) viper coming soon. The signs are all there, if you're willing to pay attention. We're doomed, doomed, doomed, doomed, doomed. Now go! I just want to die in pieces, is that really too much to ask?

A friend and I were discussing the other day whether or not he had been abducted by aliens. He was having pain in his lower abdomen, and thought he went to see the doctor. This ended up with him having a painful experience. He said the place was really clean and shiny (the first clue something was wrong). The staff was super helpful and friendly when he first got there (alarm bells were now going off). They asked him if they could get him anything while he waited (they're now screaming). When taken into the room for his examination there was a goat sitting on a chair holding a clipboard. It asked him to get undressed and put on the robe (more alarm bells). I won't give any more details (call in the National Guard!!! the alarms are now screaming). Suffice it to say, he was anal probed and then forced to show public displays of affection with a different goat. The whole experience has him traumatized and scarred for life (not to mention scared for life). The moral of the story: There's no such thing as health care, only state sponsored alien abductions and anal probing. I guess at least with these alien abductions you don't end up in Guantanamo. Or do you....???? The truth is out there. Bigfoot's real. Aliens are among us. Blue cheese it grown in caves. The boogeyman lives under your bed. Santa Claus is real and runs a sweat (not sweets) shop at the North Pole. Lizard men are lurking on the inside of the planet, waiting and plotting to take over the world. Donald Trump is one of them. Chihuahuas are really giant rats that have been somewhat domesticated. In spanish someone from the state of Chihuahua in Mexico and the dog are really similar, and could never keep them straight. It would make some people angry (alarms bells are going off).

Wouldn't it be nice if hostess would start making jelly filled donuts again? I think that would help solve a lot of problems and help a lot of people to be less angry. Send your petitions to hostess and  let's ask them to do their part to help end world peace by making jelly donuts again for the masses. Until next time, don't die.