May 23, 2012

That's awesome! No, that's...not even science

First, I just want to thank everyone that comes and checks out my rambling blog. I was a bit surprised to see how many people have been looking at it, though elated at the same time. Thank you.

This is the story about Mr. Chuckles and the Princess of Awesomeness. (theme song 'I'm a survivor' begins playing, thank you Donna Summers)

The boy scouts is a pretty good organization. I say pretty good because they're the ones teaching those of us that have a penchant for being dangerous, but didn't know how to really be dangerous, exactly how we can not only be dangerous but how to maximize the danger to not only ourselves but countless others as well (though most of them have a penchant for being dangerous as well). It's analogous to having a gun in a safe without the bullets in it, so that any child that wanders in really only runs the risk of poking their eye out or getting hit on the head. Then along come the boy scouts, and they not only show the kid how to load and shoot the gun, they also show him where the keys to the safe, and car are located, along with your bank account number. Sure, they'll learn some useful skills, like how to drive really fast through a crowded building, and I'm sure they'll ace their drivers license exam when they finally get out of prison and can own a car. But is that really the most efficient way to learn? With all the other people who have gone through the scouting program I respond with a resounding, YES!! Few things are more thrilling than realizing you just escaped certain death and doom at your own hands, and you no longer have eyebrows. For those who have heard about my escapades of throwing batteries and aerosol cans in the fire at scout camp, I can honestly say that was not me. I was busy hiding from the other scouts due to threats of being given a massive wedgie if they found me while they were throwing things in the fire. Oh the fun games you come up with when left to your own devices, and people think Lord of the Flies is just a demented man's way of thinking.

There is a company here in lansing that advertises for "Blind Cleaning." I imagine their moto is "For those days when you're old and retired and you miss feeling what it was like to have your children at home to do the house chores for you. Blind Cleaning Inc." I wonder if they give driving lessons as well? The small voice in the back of my head that I usually keep tied up and gagged pretty well apparently has managed to get the gag off because I can hear it saying that I'm being a little insensitive. I agree. I should tie him up with less coarse rope and make sure the gag is more secure in the future. To keep Pam from calling for the blind cleaning I am making sure to close my eyes while I clean and to break something at least once a day. We have a whole cupboard filled with fine china, so this is going to be a cinch.

The end of the world is coming and there's nothing you can do about it. Facebook stock is plummeting. It's 2012. Hostess is going out of business. Newt Gingrich has dropped out of the presidential election. There's a Fiat (not Dodge) viper coming soon. The signs are all there, if you're willing to pay attention. We're doomed, doomed, doomed, doomed, doomed. Now go! I just want to die in pieces, is that really too much to ask?

A friend and I were discussing the other day whether or not he had been abducted by aliens. He was having pain in his lower abdomen, and thought he went to see the doctor. This ended up with him having a painful experience. He said the place was really clean and shiny (the first clue something was wrong). The staff was super helpful and friendly when he first got there (alarm bells were now going off). They asked him if they could get him anything while he waited (they're now screaming). When taken into the room for his examination there was a goat sitting on a chair holding a clipboard. It asked him to get undressed and put on the robe (more alarm bells). I won't give any more details (call in the National Guard!!! the alarms are now screaming). Suffice it to say, he was anal probed and then forced to show public displays of affection with a different goat. The whole experience has him traumatized and scarred for life (not to mention scared for life). The moral of the story: There's no such thing as health care, only state sponsored alien abductions and anal probing. I guess at least with these alien abductions you don't end up in Guantanamo. Or do you....???? The truth is out there. Bigfoot's real. Aliens are among us. Blue cheese it grown in caves. The boogeyman lives under your bed. Santa Claus is real and runs a sweat (not sweets) shop at the North Pole. Lizard men are lurking on the inside of the planet, waiting and plotting to take over the world. Donald Trump is one of them. Chihuahuas are really giant rats that have been somewhat domesticated. In spanish someone from the state of Chihuahua in Mexico and the dog are really similar, and could never keep them straight. It would make some people angry (alarms bells are going off).

Wouldn't it be nice if hostess would start making jelly filled donuts again? I think that would help solve a lot of problems and help a lot of people to be less angry. Send your petitions to hostess and  let's ask them to do their part to help end world peace by making jelly donuts again for the masses. Until next time, don't die.

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