May 27, 2012

Conjunctivitis: The reason why no one uses conjunctions any more

Conjunction junction, what's your function? There was a little too much soul and not enough funk for that show to really make it through the ages. Now it's relegated to being shown on PBS or even youtube.

A funny thing happened to me earlier this week. 1) I was attached by a roving caravan of clowns wielding bananas. Lucky for me I am a highly trained assassin skilled in the art of dismembering a man wielding a banana. If it's a woman wielding a banana I'm in trouble. It's a good thing they were all men, though I had no way of knowing either, short of dismembering or undressing them, since they were all dressed like ninjas, covered from head to tow in black cloth and salami. If I lived somewhere more humid that style of attack would be much more effective. "A man earlier today was surrounded by ninjas wearing salami. They say that it was only a matter of second before the stench over took him and claimed his life. Back to you Fred." Luckily I'm so close to the land of ice and snow that we're sometimes mistaken for really tall elves. I even have a pointy thing on my ear, which is often mistaken for a zit (though, now that I'm older, people don't point it out any more. Maybe they're more polite now that I'm older?) and my grandma tells that's where they broke me off from the paper chain when my parents decided to adopt me. My supposed real parents tell me I'm not adopted and that it's all just a viscous lie meant to hurt me. I, however, have distinct memories of when I was kid and they told me that they found me in a basketball and couldn't leave me there (apparently I was cute once), and they've been regretting it ever since. Bwahahahahahahaha!!! Little do they know this has all been a part of my plan all along to take over the world with all of its shiny things laid out to please and distract me from the ugly evilness that will be a necessity once I am made supreme ruler and have to force you earth human dirt worms into subjugation and serviness!! Feed me Seymour.

Barry White was black. Jack Black is white. Maybe they were switched at birth.

Nazi are hiding on the moon. Lizards are hiding in the center of the earth. Ice creams tastes much better when it's been purchased from the creepy old dude driving around in a run down minivan with a speaker duck taped to his roof selling the foo foo thunder bars of awesomeness out of a cooler whose ice has all melted.  If I'm ever kidnapped by aliens, maybe I'll be able to convince them to come back and get that dude off the streets. They might win the nobel prize for that. Are aliens allowed to win the nobel prize? I hope his wife never had a supposed affair with an alien, otherwise I think they might not be eligible. It's too bad W.C. Fields wasn't a mathematician. "If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then give up, there's no use being a damn fool about it." Aaaaaahhhhhh, inspiring children everywhere to give up. After being attacked by the meat laden ninja man, I continued on my way to the library (did you know they let you take books for free??! Serious.). I stumbled across a homeless man that turned out to be Bill Gates trying to figure out what it was like to be poor and homeless (Mitt the Twit could take some lessons). The problem was he kept getting hungry and tired of being dirty, so he'd make it about 15 minutes and have to go get something to eat and shower. A day in the life of Curt Cobain, "HELP!!!! HELP!!!! GET ME OUT OF HERE!!! I'M NOT DEAD YET!!!!!!!!"

I heard a man was shot while naked. It was in the South. He was also chewing on another man's face. At least he wasn't eating a pear. Who shoots someone for eating a pear??? "Uh, what does your license plate say....uh, duh." Zombies are out there. They are among us. You may not suspect them, but they're there. They're also over there and their heads are not all there. You see them driving the bus; making your morning coffee; approving your feeble attempt to buy gas; teaching your class; eating your neighbors; patrolling your streets. The worst part is, you can't tell them apart from politicians, mindlessly going about their day with one thought on their minds. EAT YOUR BRAINS!!!!! I think that's what the US government is up to, with all their state sponsored alien abductions where you magically appear in some "Secret" prison, that everyone knows about, on the other side of the planet. The only way you can travel to the other side of the planet is not by bus, train, car, bike, roller skates, boat or plane, but by super awesome and advanced alien space ship. Do you know anyone normal that's ever been to the opposite side of the planet from where you are? Exactly! Only strange people, who are suspect of either being aliens or have been abducted by aliens, or are zombies that ate all of the aliens and then took over their ship to travel to the opposite side of the planet to reek havoc, taste a different cuisine and otherwise continue being strange, have never been to the other side of the planet. I'm not sure that last sentence made any sense (it did, I just reread it), and since we're out of aspirin, I'm not going to reread, but rather summarize what was supposed to be said and was meant but might not have been said, but I'm not sure because I'm too self serving and lazy to go back and read what I just wrote because I might get a headache, which could lead to colon cancer which would lead to death, which might lead to me becoming a zombie, and let's face it, no one wants me to be a zombie. At least, I don't want me to be a zombie, not unless it comes with super powers like being able to see through superman. When I go, I want to go with my brain mostly intact, if not still attached to my body, if at all possible. Though I think I'd rather be quickly decapitated than buried alive (e.g., Curt). I wonder if you need sunlight to stay healthy, wealthy and wise?

Did you know that the reason why being out in the sun will make you age quicker is because the light coming from the sun, while it takes a measly 8 minutes/second (I forget which and don't want to convert miles to km) for the light to reach earth from the sun, it's about 100,000 years old. That's really old. That's older than the oldest person I know. Take the oldest person you know, multiply it by a billion and that's about how old the light from the sun is that's hitting your skin and causing all those years to be poured out upon you. SPF 15 doesn't mean 15 hours with the sunscreen on (and being in the sun) would be the same as one hour in the sun without it on. No, it means it's protecting you against 15,000 years of aging. People think it's hormones in the milk, beef, cheese, waffles, eggs and children that are causing us to look older and age quicker, when in reality the true culprit is the sun. Curse you sun!!! This is all a part of the plot of the plants to rise up and begin their age of ruling the planet. They stood idly by as the dinosaurs etched their mark into the geological record. When primates began their age, the plants still did nothing, assuming it was some kind of cruel joke that mother nature would tire of quickly. They wouldn't find out until much later, when a special Fox News report showed them that mother nature was taken hostage by the earliest of primates and was being held prisoner indefinitely at Guantanamo Bay-she was also claiming that she started the global warming conspiracy and that none of it's true (see, water boarding it useful). With that, they decided they'd had enough, so they called up their old friend the sun. Yes, the sun. It provides them with what they need to live and grow and breath and eat small children. They decided on a plan to make us all age super fast so we would all get old and die without having any kids. The one thing they didn't plan on was plastic surgery. That really threw a wrench in the gears of their plan (Sarah Jessica Parker is their poster child of how they've been foiled-they can only pick up HBO with their plant antennae). The plants got back together to revamp the old plan and come up with a new plan for making us age. They had the sun crank up the age thermometer, and not even Chuck Norris can save us from this one.

The moral of the story: kill all of the plants around you If you're not with us, you're against us. We'll kill all the plants in the world, showing them that we don't need them to survive. Yes, we humans can live well enough without them, and there are plenty of other things to eat, like baby whale and rhinoceros, besides plants and all their cell walliness. Yes, we humans are pretty smart and will remain on top of the world, and food chain, even if it means destroying everything else in the process. Until next time, sweet dreams.

P.S. The picture at the bottom right of this page shows me tackling an alien (legal) and preventing it from travelling back to its mothership.

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