February 24, 2011

Indecisively unaccurate

I now understand why people get obsessed over their stats and how many people view their blog and where they're from and which OS they're using and which browser they're using to view it. I had no idea they logged all that information, and now that I know it I've been ensnared in its evil jaws and I have to check it out to see what countries are checking me out. I really hope someone from Finland will look at it soon.

"I didn't know newspapers could do that!" If you want to know the rest of the story to that quote you'll have to ask my sister (the strange older one). Finland anyone?

I wanted to write about some amazing countries that I have never visited, and one I didn't even know existed until someone from that country looked at my blog (that or they've been trying to hack my blog. I'll make it easier, here's my password ***********). A friend of mine tried to make that his password once (all the little asterisks) and unfortunately he was using windows. Apparently this is one of the cardinal sins (ha! stupid birds born into a life of sin and doomed to eternal damnation), and Microsoft suddenly revoked not only his license but also the license of anyone in the building at that time, which was a lot of people. He had to call up billy gates himself and apologize. Apparently this is the master password for Microsoft's mainframe powerhouse computing center (they have forty duocore processors that can run all of Microsoft's office programs at the same time and make you an espresso, they've got engineers working on the pop-tart half of this problem-just don't try use any of the programs or the whole system will crash).

The Soviet block was a nice place. No one ever complained (publicly) so it cant have been that bad. In Moscow, or St. Pete's I forget which one, they actually have this park with a building for each country that was part of the CCCP, with the largest representing Russia. We found this girl with a donkey nearby that we took some picture of us sitting on it. It must have been Moscow. Don't take pictures of the cops if you're ever there. Slovenia used to be part of the CCCP but they are now gloriously on their own. Now they have to have just a passport to go visit lake Baikal instead of permission from people they've had to bribe to go see the deepest lake in the entire universe!! (it's so deep aliens make crop circles on it) Make sure to yell 'universe' when you read that last sentence, if you didn't, read it again making sure to yell 'universe' at the end, do it in public, or on a crowded subway. Slovenia is one of those highly underrated countries that deserves more credit for its major accomplishments and contributions to our wonderful world. Did you know they invented genocide, or was it gonorrhea? I always get those two mixed up. Einstein visited there once just before he came up with his magical theory of general relativity, Sic, he owes it to the Slovenians for this amazing theory that would have let us travel through time if it hadn't been for stephen hawking, who quashed that idea like a dirty roach made of fiber glass and used underwear.

Famous people from Slovenia: Alister Crowley (technically he's not from any one 'place'), George Washington (not the one you're thinking of, but the founding father), Hank Williams, Madame Bovary, Lord Dartmoth Kelvin Klein, Prince Chuck (not this chuck), Allison Q McDermot and the list goes on and on. Notice how they all have very Slovenianish sounding names. I'll bet that's something else you didn't know, many of our 'common' names actually come from Slovenia. It's also been posited that Slovenia is the actual cradle of creation, though it's not widely publicized for fear that the world will stop helping African nations and leave them alone to slaughter each other senselessly because some old dude doesn't like some other old dude's mother. Slovenia gave us cracker jacks and those nifty useless toys that come in them too! (yell 'too'; if you roll your Rs in japanese it makes you sound angry. I think the number six is roku in japanese, so if you say rrrrroku!!!! you'd be saying 'SSSSIIIIXXXXXX!!!!!' with a really angry look on your face, try it on a japanese person, it's fun, oh you so big crazy america) Cracker jacks would kill me if I ate them. Not that they don't like me or anything (I swear I've never been to Slovenia) I'm just allergic to peanuts. It's an annoying allergy. When I was a kid, all of my sisters and friends would be having tons of fun loaded up on sugar after halloween eating all their snickers, peanut m&m's, big hunk and reese's candies while I had to try and get a sugar buzz from candy corn. You have to eat your weight in candy corn to get even a slight sugar buzz. I wasn't complaining too much though, I like candy corn. Or maybe that's why I like candy corn. Pixie sticks are awesome too! Those were gone before we got home, usually. Halloween in Utah, where I grew up, was not a very fun experience as far as dressing up like an awesome zombie only to be faced with two equally enjoyableness choices 1) let everyone see your awesome costume and freeze to death, or 2) wear your coat over it and no one sees it, but you stay warm and then get beaten later by your parents for getting makeup on your coat...or was it for using your mom's good makeup? When you courageously chose option 1) you soon realized what it would be like to be a cow. You would keep moving just to get to more food which would help to keep you warm. Sugar is its own food group on the periodic table of the elements, brought to you by Slovenia, not the ATF. I like sugar and azucar. Slovenia probably gave us candy corn, and those nifty coffee mug holders that come installed in most modern computers.

Did you know Juan de Dios Ramirez Heredia was the first Romani (aka gypsy) Member of the European Parliament (he's from Spain, and a socialist). I think all of our foreign ministers should be Romani. People would think a little harder about messing with us then. Having a gypsy curse put on you is worse than being attacked by nuclear fish bombs (or nucular if you like) or even having a jihad put on you. How many scary movies are made with someone putting a jihad on you because you wouldn't help some old lady eviscerate a cute little bunny? Gypsy curses though? All over the place, and the thought of dead peoples hands coming out of the walls (walls are generally safe places to be, until the climatic music stops, then something is going to come out of it or smash through it and get you) and dragging me into an abyss of total nothing and terrorness makes me cry like a little girl in a corner where the walls are lined with tinfoil and super glue. The Slovenian scientists showed back in the 1915's that gypsy curses, the dead, undead and really anything that is evil cannot penetrate tinfoil (even if it is made out of aluminum), much like superman can't see through your lead undies. The government actually thought about making lead suits for people to wear that had to work with radiation. Then someone told them how much lead weighs and they weren't so enthusiastic.

"Your tongue won't stick to the pole if you lick it in winter time."

"I triple dog dare you!"

Aluminum used to be really rare, and Napoleon would bring out the fancy aluminum dinnerware when honored guests showed up. Later, because of tin, the Russians walloped his army. Maybe that's where tinfoil's name comes from? There's also another kind of coke that if you tried to sniff or drink you would be one of the most miserable people on the planet for at least 30 seconds until you died. The moral of the story, wear your lead undies and don't do drugs.

Thank you Slovenia! and tell your friends in Finland to come check me out, at least once.


Charlie Pulsipher said...

I've had a few page views from Slovenia. Now I know all about their history. Thank you.

I am now afraid of my walls...

Anonymous said...

I didn't even know where Slovenia was and had to look it up. It's a very small (but important!) country.

You should write about being afraid of your walls and how skunks will protect you.