November 22, 2010

I love the rain

It's raining and it's in the 60's today. Who's colder right now, Michigan or say Nebraska? or Utah? It's probably from all of the car plants up here, so there's a greater concentration of carbon dioxide which means there's more global warming up here right now. Don't worry though, the rest of you will catch up eventually.

The other day I was supposed to be studying when I had an epiphelant (a giant epiphany), I needed to get out of the house. The only real problem was that I didn't have the car, Pam was at work with said car. So I went and did the next most logical thing, the dishes. There's something somewhat relaxing about doing the dishes. If I were living back in the days of Attila the Hun and they were attacking our village I would be in a huge panic if I was out in my field and saw them coming. However, if I was in my kitchen, or even out in my yard (I don't think they had kitchen then, but you never know with the Chinese) doing the dishes it would be a completely serene and peaceful scene of massacre and mayhem. Right up until the last moment when I would be run-through or decapitated or taken prison only to be drawn and quartered later, it would be one of the most peaceful moments of my life-current life that is, placed momentarily in life back then. I think it was about then that one of the dogs started chewing on my leg and I notices the dish water running over onto the floor. Peace is not always a good thing-even if you're not republican.

The dish washing reminded me of what I've heard some about-mostly from my family-about the new dish washing detergent not having phosphates in it, unless of course you're willing to purchase it at Walmart (Walmart in Finnish means dirty philandering phish-monger). I don't even know where walmart is out here... apparently michigan is all about the smaller businesses functioning and not the larger national/international-chains (ironic how that went with the whole collapse of the car industry and such). I haven't seen a starbucks anywhere here, though it's fabled there is one on the outskirts of town. There's only one, maybe two, walmarts here and I haven't seen even sign for either one. Mcdonalds is a rarity here, etc. etc. etc. For the large companies it's a good thing that michigan isn't more populous. For being fairly conservative they have some liberal tendencies up here.

But the dish soap, that's what I really want to talk about. I'm supposed to be a chemist so I thought I'd look up what all the hullabaloo about phosphates is. It turns out that they're awful mean and nasty. One official report I came across said that phosphates are responsible for 90% of bullying that goes on not only on the playground but also in the workplace and common everyday life. This just shows how one careless slip of some phosphate and your children will be coming home with black eyes as will your spouse. They also have found that phosphates cause lung cancer in various types of fish (trout, blue gill, pike, submarines and even sharks). This should be alarming since fish usually don't have lungs. Forget radioactive slime monsters crawling up from the ooze of one-mile island to decimate and destroy our world. We have bigger things to worry about like fish that can now breath air and come on land, even if they will die soon from lung cancer and likely can't run very fast due to the same. What if they learn how to use guns though? We'd be in a heap of trouble. Farming communities are the most at risk though of being attacked by lung cancer gun toting fish, seeing as they dump the most phosphates into the environment.

Wait. If we just stopped farming and only used disposable dishes we wouldn't have to worry about the phosphates polutimatizing our ground water and turning our gentle, god-fearing fish into psychotic gun toting psycho maniacs. Life's biggest problems often have the easiest solutions.


Charlie Pulsipher said...

You are odd. I hate doing the dishes.

Amateur Steph said...

Why if only I had thought of using disposable dishes before. Thank you for solving all of my fish-related gun problems.